Friday 20 May 2011

I Puffed Away First Thing

I puffed away first thing, I didn't even bother to get out of my robe. It was what I got from Sebastian a few days ago

Mat doesn't work that way. I knew that, but I was in denial, kidding myself. But, you know, he doesn’t have to have any just because I am, it’s not compulsory. In fact, if he refrained there would be more for me.

The first thing I did is turn the coffee machine on and head outside to have a smoke. Saying good morning to Bruno, with him responding by lifting an eye lid.


I sat outside on the wicker chairs and rolled a joint.

I pretty much wanted a second joint immediately after I had finished the first. I can't be that person again, I told myself.

Then, I ignored myself and rolled another joint.

Then I had heavy eye lids sitting back in the chair gazing out into the garden, being careful not to let my robe fall open and flash the world.

Not that I really cared. Don’t look neighbours. Or look. I don't give a toss. 


Wednesday 18 May 2011

Tuesday 17 May 2011

Hanging Out

I shamefully decided to call Tim and Nicholas, well, I hadn’t seen them since the Gold Coast trip, now, when was that, last November? I thought of Perry, I thought of Charlie, but I had been meaning to call Tim and Nicholas for I don’t know how long. Since November, I guess.

I was twiddling my fingers at home, which led to boredom and too much time to think. I clearly, I needed a smoke, as obvious as the nose on my face, not that they knew that.

Tim and Nicholas were off to Thailand on Friday.

Nicholas said he had some growth in his ear that was affecting his hearing. He sounded worried about it, when I said I’m sure it would probably turn out to be nothing.

They seem to be discovering travel, just lately. 

But no pot, Nicolas was out, or Tim was making him abstain or something.

So, I headed home. No, not as soon as I realised there was nothing to smoke, no, not that soon. I chatted a bit.

But not too much, no, my mission was done there, after all. And while I love Tim and Nicholas, loved Tim and Nicholas once, without the bong being offered to me every so often, well, as shameful as you might think this admission is, why would I be there. Oh yes, I know, what a bitch, but without pot, they are less interesting, let’s face it.


And as it turned out – do I have to admit to the possibility of a god with this happening – Sebastian arrived, soon after I got home. 

“You doing anything?” asked Sebastian.

“No,” I said.

“Well, roll this into something.” 

He handed me a larger than normal plain white envelope open at one end. I smiled to myself, as I spied the gunger inside that envelope.

As if my self-focused, contact of old friends for ulterior motives counted for nothing and I was, actually, being rewarded with the universe providing. Lovely. It’s pretty charmed when you think about it. Hey?

And there you have it.

“Do you have cigarettes?” I asked.

“No,” said Sebastian. "I told you I quit."

Shane said no too. He's quit also,

So, I had to go around to the shops to buy some cigarettes to mix with the pot because we have all quit smoking. Go figure. Still, it was the least I could do, even if my feet were hurting from all the walking, I had already done, chasing my addictions.

Sebastian, and I, sat on the wicker chairs on the back veranda, smoking spliff after spliff, talking shit about the world.

“Life is good,” I said.

“Yeah, pretty good with me too,” said Sebastian.

“You wouldn’t be dead for quids, now would you.”

“No, not for a second,” said Sebastian. “Not for anything.”

We gazed out into the garden, out into the world.

“You rolled another one?” asked Sebastian.

“No, not yet,” I said.

“Well,” said Sebastian. “What’s stopping you?”

“Oh, dunno,” I said. “Waiting for you to give me the nod, I guess.”

“Don’t worry about that,” he said. “Just keep them coming, I’ve got nothing to do for the rest of the day, how about you?”

“No, no plans.”

“Well, go on, get rolling.”

“Your wish is my command.”

So, there you go. If you want some sort of moral to this story, I guess it would be, um, er, chuckle, get to and bot off your friends, because even if they can’t provide what you need, the universe will hear you and it will provide where other fall short.

Do you like that?

“You got that joint rolled?” asked Sebastian. “I’m gagging for another over here.”

“Voila,” I said. I held the freshly minted joint in the air. 

“Well, its no good to any one unlit,” said Sebastian. “Would you care to do the honours.”

“I would care indeed,” I said.

I flicked the lighter, the white cigarette burned red at the far end, I sucked the herby tasting smoke into my lungs. I took 2 more drags then I handed it to Sebastian.

Sebastian took the joint from my fingers. “You are a prince among men,” he said. He puffed on the joint. He blew the smoke into the air. Then he turned and looked at me. “Why aren’t you rolling the next joint?”

“Oh, yes, I’m on it.”

“Idle fingers are the devil's, um, er…” said Sebastian.

“I’ve always said that,” I said.

We both laughed.

Sebastian handed the joint back to me.

The day was gentle and serene.


Monday 16 May 2011

I Quit

I quit, again, after another weekend of smoking pot.

I'm a good boy. What a good boy am I.


Thursday 12 May 2011

Wednesday 11 May 2011

In Your Pants Company

The In Your Pants Company makes it perfectly acceptable for its staff to declare a love for sex, giving the illusion they're sexually availability in their friendly greeting.

"I love sex." Let's face it, who doesn't, with the attractive staff. "Can I help you?" Can I help you with something new to cover your body, can I help you with life.

It gives customer service a whole new meaning, the gals with their skimpy tops, and the guy’s bare chested with the elastic of their undies showing.

Staff have been "turned on" for their customer's pleasure with big, bright, and colourful 'sex' buttons they wear.

"We will take our pants off to get In Your Pants." 

Woo Hoo, there should be more of it, is what most focus groups say. Strapping guys and sexy gals, all tactile, suggestive and at times shivering with anticipation... of a sale, of course.

The badges are part of the Sex & Life advertising campaign for In Your Pants Clothing Co and new lust theme based designers shopping experience. 

The campaign also features the large image of a semi-naked woman, with gaffer tape over her nipples, having her jeans unzipped from behind, by various beefy men. 

It also features a large image of a strapping young man having his jeans pulls off by a gaggle of pretty girls, just leaving him in his undies, which we can see he is clearly enjoying.

She's Lovely! A bit Girl Next Door, if you know what I mean. But, it's not just for the guys, it is for the gals too. The guy’s sales team are just as provocative and just as cute.

Got to love that; it’s an edgy and chilled and cool approach to selling, with no hang ups and no limits to get a sale. Sure, it is for the young, but when isn't sex.

"We will take our pants off to get In Your Pants," say the guy shop staff, as enthusiastically as their gal counter parts.


But, you know, what I love the most, is listening to all the wowzers squeak and squirm and show the world their sexual hang ups. These are the same religious based campaigners who didn't understand what oral sex was. The leader Madge Vickers-Waffle blushed and said quite seriously, "I don't believe any god fearing man does that to his loving wife, not in my experience, " when it was explained to her that cunnilingus is not, in fact, a South American Trumpet player.


These guys & gals are giving everything for a sale and, on some occasions, I mean everything and they are loving it. A big smile, a quick song and dance routine, tell some jokes, all in the name of fun and, of course, a sale. You’ll love it too.


Tuesday 10 May 2011

I Hear It's The Latest Thing

I've seen a lot of mix race couples around lately, as much as I hate to use that particular term.

I hear it's the latest thing to be an Asian/Caucasian mixed couple.

Cutting edge love, they say.

Cutting edge.

Asian girls traditionally like Asian boys and white girls traditionally like white boys, but not so much anymore. White girls are liking Asian boys more and more and Asian girls are liking white boys just the same. Their children are usually beautiful, the best of both races.

Just as, pretty Asian girls are catching the eye of white boys and pretty white girls are turning Asian boys on, Asian boys are liking white boys and Asian girls are liking white girls just the same.

It is a modern world, it is a new time with choices expanding. Why deny yourself. Why? Thank the universe, we all collectively sigh in relief. Barriers are being broken down. Love is expanding. Suddenly, the world is a bigger place. Brighter too for everyone.


Monday 9 May 2011


I Can’t Be Trusted

I stole the rest of the pot and smoked it, right out from under my Max's nose. I took it out of his draw, by his bed. He always says he is hiding it and either I am smarter than the average thief or good hiding places are hard to find, as I always find it. I smoked the lot, didn't share any of it.

He didn't say anything, too busy trying to be healthy, I guess. Or, he just didn't notice, which I find hard to believe. I would have noticed if it was mine. I don't know, I don't really care.

I can't be trusted, I told you that.

I just go into his room, and start looking. It is never hard to find, I always find it. I sometimes wonder if he'd installed a camera, it wouldn't be hard to do. And wonder if he'll spring the photographic evidence on me, you know, out of the blue. But, he hasn't, I guess, obviously.

I tell myself, I am not going to do it again, but then I am back in there going through his draws. Again.

I can’t be trusted.

And I’m his friend.


Sunday 8 May 2011

I Smoked

I smoked pot... joints and good food, and an open fire. How better to spend a Sunday night, I ask you?

It was a wintry night outside.

The whole gang was over.


Winter Is Here. It Was The Old Gang, Kind Of

I cooked breakfast for Sam. We watched It’s Complicated until 2pm, Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. I remember when I used to lust after Alec Baldwin, BeetleJuice comes to mind, that must be a long time ago now.

Then I had to leave for mother’s day with my brother and sister.

Sam went home.

Eddie came over after he’d seen his mum. Cam had gone for a float with Max and Eddie didn’t have a house key to get in. I head over to pick Sam up on my way home, but I knew Eddie would be waiting, but he wouldn’t be locked outside for long, if at all. And he wasn’t.

Sebastian cooked pasta and Cam made a salad.

Cam rolled joints and after he and Eddie left, Sebastian pulled pot out of somewhere, he’d been keeping that a secret, and we kept smoking. We were maggotted by the end, just like old times.

Winter is here. It was the old gang, kind of.

Saturday 7 May 2011

Friday 6 May 2011

Magda Still Looks ...

After everything, all the advertising and television and magazine articles, and all the talk, somehow Magda still looks fat fab. I love Magda, I think she is fabulous, really fucken fabulous, but the diet isn't working so well the work she’s done.

I guess I should just keep my mouth shut, yes I should, it's not something at which I’m good. 

If you can't say anything nice and all that… but let's face, she appeared on the cover of New Idea – seriously credibility plummets to zero – she had pretty much sold out, giving me permission to say what I like.


Thursday 5 May 2011

Hello Handsome

He smiled at me with his amazing blue eyes. You know when you think, look at you, who could be that perfect. Something inside me melted.

His red lips parted just slightly, as the corners of his eyes creased in joy. That square jaw I wanted to run my tongue along. That dark brown hair I wanted to run my fingers through. You know, kind of rough, well, certainly not timid.

I could feel a swoon. I could taste the sweat on his skin. I could feel the warmth of his breath. I could taste the spit on his tongue. I could feel his wanton enthusiasm as our face connected and our hands grabbed for the other one.

I'm sure he winked. I stopped myself from winking in return, just in case I had imagined it. I smiled, though, I couldn't stop the smile spreading across my face. The creases in my cheeks almost hurt with the intensity I felt there in the sides of my face. I nodded. He did too.


I turned and walked away, I stopped myself from looking back. Then I questioned my decision and I felt a chill as I turned and looked behind me, just to see the last part of him turning back to look in the direction he was headed thinking that I hadn't turned back to look at him.

Wednesday 4 May 2011

The Mute Button

I thank the universe every day for the mute button, one of the greatest inventions by man, silencing the incessant advertising drivel and calming the world. It is possibly one of the most evil things invented by man, advertising. It hates the world and mankind, it only likes it's selfish self. It doesn't care who, or what, it steps on to make a sale. It doesn't care what truth, or lie, it needs to tell, to flog its wares. The truth means nothing, nothing at all, only money talks, isn't that swell?

Advertisers should be banned, put on a deserted island and waterboarded with their shouty adds, or forced to eat their shit, packaging and all.


Sunday 1 May 2011