In Your Pants Company

“In Your Pants,” blazes across the giant billboard in huge letters.

And there is Bambi Bunting with her hands strategically place over her bare breasts. And there is muscular Buck Angel standing next to her, with one hand strategically place over Bambi’s crotch. And there is handsome Luke Skywalker standing naked next to Buck, Buck with his other hand over Luke’s junk. And there is Leroy Cowboy standing next to Luke dressed just in jeans, and a cowboy hat, of course, with his elbow resting on Luke’s shoulder. And there is Tina Tracy dressed only in flared pants standing next to Leroy with Leroy’s arm stretching across her breasts covering them. Leroy’s hand stretching out pinching Johnathan Chan’s face, Johnathan dressed only in cargo pants, closing one eye where Leroy’s fingers are pinching his cheek.

The In Your Pants clothing company is the newest and biggest thing in town. All the cool kids are going there.

It’s good looking sales staff declaring a love for sexy pants written across their company t-shirts, always a little tight for their good looking staff, the guys and gals giving the illusion they're sexually availability in their friendly greeting.

"I love sexy pants, don’t you," says Bambi Bunting. Let's face it, who doesn't, with the attractive staff like their staff. 

"Can I help you?" says Buck Angel. Can I help you with something new to cover your sexy body, can I help you with life.

It gives customer service a whole new meaning, the gals and guys with their skimpy tops, or the often guy’s bare chested with the elastic of their undies showing.

Leroy Cowboy wears his jeans sagging pants style.

Staff have been "turned on" for their customer's pleasure with big, bright, and colourful 'sex' buttons they wear.

"We will take our pants off to get In Your Pants," says Luke Skywalker.

Woo Hoo, there should be more of it, is what most focus groups say. Strapping guys and sexy gals, all tactile, suggestive and at times shivering with anticipation... of a sale, of course.

The badges are part of the Sex & Life advertising campaign for In Your Pants Clothing Co and new lust theme based designers shopping experience. 

The campaign also features the large image of a semi-naked Midge McClure, with gaffer tape over her nipples, having her jeans unzipped from behind, by various beefy men. 

It also features a large image of a strapping young man, Christos Condos, with his hairy chest, hairy stomach, and hairy legs, having his jeans pulled off by a gaggle of pretty girls, leaving him in just in his blue and white boxer shorts only just covering him. We can see he is clearly enjoying the attention.

She's Lovely! Our Midge. A bit Girl Next Door, if you know what I mean. 

But, it's not just for the guys, it is for the gals too. 

Christos, along with all the other guys, is just as provocative and just as cute.

Got to love that; it’s an edgy and chilled and cool approach to selling, with no hang ups and no limits to get a sale. Sure, it is for the young, but when isn't sex.

"We will take our pants off to get In Your Pants," says the guy shop staff, as enthusiastically as their gal counter parts.

But, you know, what I love the most, is listening to all the wowzers squeak and squirm and show the world their sexual hang ups. These are the same religious based campaigners who didn't understand what oral sex was. The leader Madge Vickers-Waffle blushed and said quite seriously, "I don't believe any god fearing man does that to his loving wife, not in my experience, " when it was explained to her that cunnilingus is not, in fact, a South American Trumpet player.

These guys & gals are giving everything for a sale and, on some occasions, I mean everything and they are loving it. A big smile, a quick song and dance routine, tell some jokes, all in the name of fun and, of course, a sale. You’ll love it too.

"Excuse me, sir, can I help you with something," says gorgeous Bambi. Nose twitch.

"Excuse me ma'am, can I help you with something," says beefy Buck Angel, big smile.

The guys and gal’s swoon. The staff are 'attentive.' And everyone leaves with a huge smile. That's the company promise.

There is lovely Luke Skywalker, and beautiful Bambi Bunting leading the sales team, standing at the front of the store.

“Cum in, everyone is welcome,” says Bambi Bunting.

“Cum and ask me what I have in my pants,” says Luke Skywalker.

“What Luke has, is worth seeing,” says Bambi.

“Bambi has great things in pants, too,” says Luke Skywalker.

Christos and Midge wear their anti-evangelical wrist bands, capable of repelling the wowzers and the deluded right away.

“Nobody wants to hear what they have to say,” says Midge.

“Everybody really just wants to have some fun,” says Christos.

“I’m here for fun,” says Midge.

“I took one of the Evangelical girls home one night for a little fun,” says Christos. “She was nervous, and when I kissed her and her apple lip gloss, she thought her head was going to explode, as she finally saw the real truth.”

“Oh, been there,” says Midge. She smiles at the thought.

“Evan’gel girl never went back to the happy clappers,” says Christos. “She was having far too much fun after that.”

“After she was opened up to the world?” says Midge.

Luke smiles. “After she was opened up to the world, hey Christos?”

Leroy Cowboy comes up behind boyfriend Luke and pulls Luke’s shirt over his head and off him leaving him in the new brand chinos.

Joshua Chan comes up behind girlfriend Tracy and pulls Tracy’s shirt overhead and off her leaving her in her bra and matching new brand chinos.

“Now, I think you guys are really ready for fun,” says Leroy

“Now you are ready for all the fun in the world,” says Joshua.

Leroy Cowboy takes Luke in his arms and kisses him passionately.

Joshua Chan takes Tina in his arms and kisses her passionately.

“Come one, come all, Luke is ready to serve,” say Leroy after he finishes kissing Luke.

“Come one, come all, Tracy is ready to serve,” say Joshua Chan after he finishes kissing Tracy.

“Luke’s got more in his pants now than he did before,” Leroy Cowboy calls out to the passing crowd.

“Tracy is wearing her pants closer than she did before,” Joshua Chan calls out to the passing crowd.

Joshua Chan winks to Leroy Cowboy, Leroy Cowboy winks back.

Tracy and Luke embrace.

"All cummers looked after," Luke calls to the crowd.

"Intimate services, is our specialty," Tracy calls after Luke.

"Two for one deal," calls Leroy Cowboy, taking Joshua Chan in his arms."

“The first girl, or guy for that matter, to slide into Luke’s pants, 5% off,” says Bambi.

“The first guy, or girl for that matter, to slide into Bamb’s pants, 100 rewards points,” says Luke.

“The first girl, or guy for that matter, to buy 2 pairs of our pants on sale gets to see Luke with his pants off,” says Bambi. “Or Buck, or Josh with their pants off, for that matter.”

“Hey, hang on,” says Buck.

“Hang on,” says Joshua.

“Ignore them, anyone of these handsome guys stripped down, just take your pick,” says Bambi.

“The first guy, or girl for that matter, to buy 2 pairs of our pants on sale gets a lapdance from Bambi,” says Luke. “Or Buck, of Josh in their undies, for that matter,” calls Luke.

“Hey, hang on,” says Buck.

“Hang on,” says Joshua.

“Any one of these sexy guys or gal in their undies giving a lapdance, I can’t be any fairer than that,” calls Luke, to the passing crowd. “Choose 2 at once for multiple purchases.”

“Hey, hang on,” says Buck.

“Hang on,” says Joshua.

“Hang on,” says Bambi.

“Take no notice,” says Luke. “Two of our gorgeous staff with titillate and satisfy with the right purchase. Step up, step up.”

“What if I want two girls rather than one of the guys,” asks a young man with shopping bags in his hands.

“Have you tried one of each?” asks Luke.

“No,” says the guy.

“You should try one of our guys paired with the beautiful Bambi, it is something you won’t forget.”

“Have you tried them?”

“I’ve gone many rounds with these two handsome blokes,” says Luke.

“I’d rather 2 girls,” insisted the young man.

“As you wish,” says Luke. “No problem at all.” Luke turns to face the inside of the shop. “Tina? Where’s Tina. Tina are you there?”

Bambi Bunting and Tina Tracy took the 1st year university guy, Carl, inside to shop. They got him two pairs of jeans. They made sure the jeans fitted him well. They told him he looked sexy, they both patted his arse, and Carl left a happy boy.

Luke stands at the front door with Joshua Chan, he sings.

"Evangelical girls are so sexy, in their naivety.

And all they ever want to do, is go home for the night."

Evan, evan, evangelical girls,

put on this earth, to tumble and to twirl,

Evan, evan, evangelical girls,

I just want to take them home and give them a whirl.

All together now."

Luke looks at Joshua, Joshua looks at Luke, and they both laugh.

A girl walks up to the two boys.

“What’s your name?” a girl asks Luke.

“I’m Luke Skywalker.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Not my real name, obviously,” says Luke. “But it is my name when I am at work."

“I’m looking for new pants.”

“Can I get the lovely Bambi Bunting to help you.”

“That would be lovely,” says the girl.

“Bambi,” Luke calls. 

And Bambi appears. “New pants?”

“For work.”

“Come this way.”

A lovely young lady steps forward. “How can we help you?” asks Joshua Chan. 

“I want pants for my boyfriend,” says the girl. “And he looks like you.”

“I can help you buy pants for your boyfriend,” says Joshua. “But what pants he wears isn’t usually dependent on how he looks?”

“Can you try them on and model them for me?” asks the girl. “He looks like you in size and shape. In fact, from behind…” she winks and smiles.

Joshua holds out his arm. “Come with me,” says Joshua. “I’m all yours.”

“Buy 2 pairs and any one of our boys will strip to their jocks and give you a lapdance,” says Midge to the young lady heading into the shop with Joshua.

“I’d like him,” says the girl pointing at Joshua with a big smile.

“Lap dance it is,” says Josh.

A guy steps forward and says to Buck Angel, “I like your jeans.”

“I’ll give you these jeans if you buy our buy two pairs, get the second pair for 25% off, special,” says Buck Angel.

“Your jeans?”

“Yes. These jeans.”

“The ones you are wearing?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Right now,” says Buck Angel. “If that’s what it will take.”

“Okay,” says the guy. “Sure. You have convinced me.”

“It’s a deal,” says Buck Angel. He takes off his jeans and gives them to the guy. Buck then takes the guy into the shop and gets him a second pair of jeans which the guy buys. 

A near naked Buck Angel reappears and does back flips in his undies in the doorway of the shop.

Luke Skywalker pulls off his shirt and backflips with Buck Angel in the doorway of the shop.

Bambi comes out and plays flamenco guitar. Tina brings out her bongos and plays. Joshua comes out bare chested and sweaty, buttoning up his jeans, and shakes a tambourine, as well as his arse. 

Luke and Buck back flip from side to side.

“Buy one pair, get the second pair for 25% off,” calls Christos to the passing crowd. “We’re doing deals all day.”

“Step up, step up, for the greatest show in town,” says Midge. “Er, shop in town. The greatest shop in town. Step up, step up.”

“I believe in miracles,” sings Leroy Cowboy. “Where're you from?”

“You sexy thing (sexy thing you)” sings Leroy.

Opening Night

Rippling muscles, the bulge in your pants, and that little twinkle of lust in your eyes. 

Kiss me you fool, I think, as I lean from one side of the limo to get to your steamy hot, love lips, on mine. Saliva like wine, muscles like steal.

I slide my hand into your crotch. You jump.

The car stretches away from us like a runway, Paris, London, New York.

The driver looks back at us in the mirror. Halston, Largerfeld, McQueen, set the scene

Everybody wants to be us. That much I know, right at that moment.

Click, click, flash, flash. Click, click, flash, flash. The car pulls up.

Click, click, flash, flash. Click, click, flash, flash. Time to get out.

Click, click, flash, flash. Click, click. I steal looks at you.

Click, click, flash, flash. Click, click. You smile back at me.

“Let’s go,” you say.

“Let’s go,” I say.

The driver opens the car door.

Click, click, flash, flash. Click, click. Flash. Flash.

“Who are you wearing?” the girl with the microphone asks.

“Mark Prouse,” you say.

“Who are you wearing,” the boy with the microphone asks.

“My man’s love,” I say. It just comes out. I don’t have any labels to display.

You look back at me, you smile any way.

“You’ve come a long way on that one sex tape.” the boy with the microphone says.

“He loves me despite it.” Falls out of my mouth.

“What does the most famous man in the world, see in you?” the boy with the microphone says.

“The future,” you lean across and say.

You take my hand and lead me away. I love you at the moment more than words can say.

“Don’t worry about them. They will always be on the outside looking in.”

“Are you the most famous man in the world,” I say.

Your eyes widen.

We head through the big doors. There are handsome waiters in uniforms with trays of drinks.

The old cinema looks grand for the premier.

“Be seen, be safe,” you say.

“Huh?”

“Got to get your face out there,” you say. “Always get your face out there.”

“Network?” I say. Like I know what I am talking about.

“Bob,” you say.

“Is this ‘the’ lovely…?”

“Yes, Bob,” you say.

“How do you feel about nudity?” asks Bob. I can feel his breath on my face.

Bob Banks says he wants me for a new slave boy epic. He whispers in my ear, “Come up to my suite at the Hyatt and I’ll test you for it.”

“He’d have you in a dog collar on all fours with a 12 inch dildo shoved up your arse,” you say. “Before you know it.”

“Is that what they say?” I ask.

“My arse still hurts when I think about it,” you whisper in my ear. Your eyes widen and you smile. “Rookie error,” you say.

Sybil Thornhill looks down her nose at me.

“Sybil, this is Mathew Walsh. Mathew, Sybil Thornhill.”

“Oh, yes, charmed,” she says. I take the hand she holds out instinctively. Momentarily I think about kissing it, but she pulls it away and we step away.

“A coke habit a mile wide looking for a rich husband so she can retire,” you say as we walk away.

“Really?”

“So, they say,” you reply.

“You made a movie with her, didn’t you?”

“Yes, Cougar.”

Tristan Garandolfo has a ‘who done it’ epic he wants to talk to you about. He looks at me. “Can this one string a sentence together?”

“Comes with all working parts,” you say.

“Bring him along to the audition, I’ve got a bit part he might manage.”

“DARLING!” A voice booms. Suddenly you are wrapped in feathers and black satin as a set of arms engulf you. “How is my favourite strumpet?” the owner of the feathers and black satin wails. “You’ve been working out.”

“Candy,” you say. “Unhand me before I call the police.”

“And who have we got here?” Candy turns to me. “Something delicious.” He laughs. “I know so.” He puts his hand over his mouth and says, “I’ve seen the tape too.”

I must have looked crestfallen at that remark.

“Oh hun,” says Candy. He embraces me with a huge hug and says in my ear. “I’m sorry, but you’ve just got to own it now, babe, you have no choice. You’ve got to give them fuck-you-all attitude, it’s the only way you’ll make it to the other side.” He pulls back and smiles at me.

“I’m having an after party, both of you must come, promise me,” says Candy. 

You start to say something.

“Shush,” says Candy. He puts his finger to your lips. “I won’t take no for an answer. I just won’t!”

“Yes, Candy,” you say.

“OH! Gwendoline!” Hands in the air. Candy has spotted someone else and swishes away. “I knew her when she threw knives!”

Sean Carmichael sidles up to you. The Sean Carmichael. “Great do mate. This ought to place you well, for an AFI, you lucky cunt. Bold move, you out with Junior, now the whole world has seen you ‘do’,” he does parenthesis in the air, “Junior…”

I think of Candy and say, without thinking it through, “Fuck you.”

Sean looks momentarily taken a back. “I like you already kid,” he says.

“We’re not talking about the tape,” you say.

“It’s very in, sex tapes, probably done you more good than harm, now, makes you, er, accessible…”

“I’ve always been accessible…”

“It’s got your name in the press for weeks…”

“Do you think that’s good?”

“Sure, all the bimbos and himbos will now be curious about the new movie and if its good…”

“It’s good,” you say.

“How good?” asks Sean.

“Best thing I’ve done,” you say.

“Other than him,” says Sean, pointing at me with his chin. I can’t help but think Sean is handsome. We both look at him. “Oh come on, it’s a fucken joke, and I thought a good one.”

“Ha ha,” you say.

“Fuck you,” I say.

“Tough crowd,” says Sean. Then he smiles that million dollar smile that has made the ladies want to do him and the blokes want to be him. “As I said, if the film is good, they’ll come and then they’ll tell their friends. The guy with the big dick…”

“Oh, come on,” you say.

“No, hear me out, They’ve all seen you have a huge cock, they all know you’ve got a huge cock, even the ones who haven’t seen the tape, and they’ll say, you know what, his latest film is great. It is a marketing coup, you are a fucken genius. You know it’s all about timing. It is always about fucking timing.”

The bells start to ring. 

“Show time,” says Sean. “See you in there.”

The crowd naturally starts moving towards the door.

Maggie King kisses you. The Maggie King. “Darling,” she says. “I hear you are great in this.”

You smile. “Thanks,” you say.

Delta Moore, Ginny Davis, Abracadabra Smith, and Greta Cole are standing at the cinema door with wine in hand.

“These are my TV mums,” you say to me as we get close. “All in the first soap It Takes A Village. “Ladies,” you say.

“Oh, so formal,” says Delta.

“Well, he’s a big movie start now,” says Ginny.

“Take no notice of them,” says Abby.

“Darling.” Greta Cole takes your face in the palms of her hands. She twitches her nose and her eyes well up. “We all knew you’d do this.”

Abby Smith kisses the side of your face. “I miss you, hon.”

Ginny pulls you away from the other two. “I hear you are marvellous.”

Delta takes your hand and looks at me. “And who is this?”

“Oh, don’t you know,” you say.

“Oh course, I don’t,” says Ginny.

“Introduce us,” says Greta.

“Mathew Walsh this is Delta Moore…

“Charmed,” says Delta. 

“Ginny Davis.”

Ginny smiles and nods her head. 

“Abracadabra Smith.”

“Oh darling, call me Abby.

“And Greta Cole.”

“En...chan…te.”

“These are my soap opera mums.”

Greta grabs you by the arm. “And he is our very favourite.”

“Come on, move along,” says the comedian, Scotty Mack.”

“Scotty, I’m not too old to take you over my knee,” says Delta.

“Let me undo my belt first,” says Scotty Mack. “I’m getting half a chub just thinking about it.”

“Scotty, you are impossible,” says Delta.

“No, very possible,” says Scotty. “Very possible.”

“I’m old enough to be your mother…”

“Scotty growls. “Just the way I like them.”

“5 minutes,” says the handsome usher, coming up behind the crowd. Red jacket. Tight black pants across his arse. “If you’d please take your seats.

Mark MacNelly grabs Gavin by the arm. “My mate Peggy Croft wants you for a centrefold in BlueBoy magazine.

“Ha ha,” you say.

“No, true offer, she has seen the tape,” says Mark MacNelly.

Mark looks at me. “I guess you could go fluffer.”

“You seem far too interested in this for a straight boy,” you say.

“I’m just the messenger,” Mark MacNally says. “I’d do anything for Peggy.”

“The session is about to start,” says the usher. “Please take your seats.”

“Let’s go in,” you say.

“Sure.”

A tall guy catches your arm just as we head into the cinema. “I’ll say a few words at the beginning, unless you want to.

“No, Jack,” you say. “You can do the speeches.”

“I’ve got some blow, if you want a line to get through all of this.”

“No,” you say. But you change your mind as soon as you say no. “No, I will,” you say. “Have we got time.”

“There is always time,” says Jack. He stops. “Come with me.”

You and Jack head out the cinema doors again. You grab my arm at the last minute and take me with you. I love you for not leaving me behind.

We cross the foyer and Jack pushes the toilet door open. He motions for us both to go through. And we do.

Jack looks under all the cubicles and he pushes the handicapped door open on the end. He again holds the door open. We all head into the large cubicle.

“I’m Jack.” He holds out his hand.

“I’m Mathew,” I say.

He pulls a bigger bag than I expected him to pull from his suit pocket. “You are really pretty,” Jack says.

I feel my face blush hot.

The bag makes an audible crack as the press seal opens. “I could really bang you…”

“Jack!” you say. “You are not banging him.”

“That’s a fucken pity.” He tips white powder out onto the white porcelain toilet cistern. “Its two hours now, so we’ve got to get this screening going.” 

He pulls his wallet from his back pocket and selects a credit card. “The turn out is great, all the seats are filled.”

“That’s good to here,” you say.

Jack chops up three lines of white powder like a fucken champion.

“The word on the street is good.”

“Have you seen Cecilie?” you ask.

Jack pulls a fifty dollar note from his wallet. “No, fuck,” says Jack. “Where the fuck is she?”

Jack leans down and hoovers up a line in one movement. “We’ve got to find Cecilie,” he says

Jack hands the fifty dollar note to you, “Age before beauty,” and you snort the line in two snorts, one in each nostril. 

You hand the fifty dollar note to me. I lean in and snort my line up in two snorts, one in each nostril. Luckily, I had a gay uncle who taught me to snort lines with the best of them. “The kid’s a natural,” says Jack. “With an arse to die for.”

“Don’t I know it,” you say. I hear a tone of admiration in your voice. My stomach buzzes with the excitement of that.

“We better find Cecilie and get you two photographed together,” says Jack. We all leave the cubicle.

“The press still doesn’t think she and I are an item, do they?” you ask.

“Nah, your starring role with your mate here, kind of put paid to that,” says Jack.

The three of us are sniffing noticeably as we get back out into the foyer.

“Gavin, Jack,” says Cecilie, seemingly appearing from nowhere.

The bells are ringing. “We have to get shots of the two of you afterwards,” Jack says to Cecilie. “Don’t forget.”

Jack heads into the cinema.

“Cecilie this is Mathew.”

“Pleased to meet you,” says Cecilie.

“Mathew this is Cecilie.”

“Nice to meet you,” I say.

“We’d better go in,” you say.

You and Cecilie and I sit in the front row of the rear section.

Jack bounces up to the front and a woman with a headset and a clip board gives him the mike.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, It is a really great pleasure to be here tonight to introduce my new film In My Lifetime…”

I’m really excited, I have never been to a big time movie premier before.

When the lights go down, your hand slides into my lap and takes my hand.

Guess Who I Saw Today

I was in our old neighbourhood, I find it hard to cut the ties

I really must find a new doctor, funny the things we do

Then I saw Roger’s where I'd parked the car

and I just popped in.

He kissed me on both cheeks, French style

“You are still smoking,” he whispered in my ear

More admiration than condemnation

As the French do…

He sat me in the corner, where there was a table for one

“I’ll turn the lights down low,” said Roger. I imagined his bedroom eyes, momentarily.

It is the accent, I’m sure.

Then I am staring at you, across the room. 

I can see the side of your head. I’d know that profile anywhere.

You are smiling at her.

You catch my eye, was I looking too long. 

You are not surprised, like me. Nerves of steel, it has been said of you before.

You kept glancing over.

I can’t help but look too.

I smiled, despite myself.

You smiled back.

Awkward.

I would have left silently, if my meal hadn’t just been put down in front of me.

You seemed to lose interest in whatever your girlfriend was telling you. 

I could see you, looking back.

She’s the girl from your office.

You said you were working late every night this week…?

I moved my chair.

You moved yours.

Cute, I thought. Talking with chairs.

I don't know what you thought.

I looked at you over my main course.

You looked at me over desert.

We managed a laugh,

You and me. I know your eyes.

The minute I wondered what you thought,

you looked away,

it was as if I read you.

I was staring at you as I drank my coffee,

I realised, your look gave it all away.

I looked down at my cup. Wondered what I thought?

When I looked up, you had gone.

I shook my head, did I day dream?

The story of my life... before you

I thought, I looked away for a few seconds,

enough time for a swift get away…

You said it had been years, why didn't you ever say anything?

I thought we were happy, 10 years in...

I gazed at your empty chair,

I thought I need to get out more. Like you?

An arrangement, you said.

I wondered what that meant? Now I know.

You told me I’d always fancied Roly the real estate guy

I thought you wanted a ‘heads up’ on an investment property.

Get out. Dinner seemed like a good idea,

I don’t mind eating alone.

I was alone.

I guess, I'll see you later.

The restaurant now seems empty without you in it.

I get up and go to the cashier and pay for one

Is everyone watching and wondering?

You didn't look back.

Were you ashamed? Or guilty? 

But, you’ve never suffered guilt.

You left the house, slamming the door on your way

Like you have before. Like you do.

I guess we'll speak about it when you get home.

When?

The valet brings my Alfa,

You taught me to live life. So why should I be surprised with you living yours.

I don't know what I am driving home to.

I hit climate control, as if there is any control.

I open the sun roof. 

I put the car into gear.

I'm not angry. Not any more, it is too exhausting.

I guess, I just want to know.

Killing Brian

Anna, from over the back, called, the other day, to say they needed to do some repointing on the brickwork on their (god awful) house behind mine, so they needed to chop some of the creeper down that grows between their place and mine. Truthfully, it is my creeper, it grows from my place, so what could I say?

“Some may fall into your yard,” said Anna. “So I just wanted to apologise in advance if that happens.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Oh… good.” Anna seemed surprised that it was that easy, that I would agree so readily, but, maybe, I imagined that.

This morning, Brian had some scaffolding up and he was up on the first floor level, and seemed to be doing “the pointing” himself. I thought he’d have some tradie doing it for him. So what did it look like Brian was doing? He was hacking down the creeper with a huge electric saw, allowing it to fall down on top of my car.

So much for some creeper may fall down on my side, as Anna said. She just wanted to apologise, really? Did stupid (old) Brian get the same memo, I thought?

I decided to go for a walk so I didn’t have to watch him. But, to (begrudgingly) give Brian some credit, as I was leaving he seemed to be pulling at the creeper, as though he was, at least, making some attempt, to pull the cut down bits back over onto his side of the fence. 

He’d originally planted a Glory Vine, but my creeper had long since over taken it. But years back, after all the trouble, he had relented a bit and the creeper I planted was, in fact, one of the creepers he’d advised me to plant, one that wouldn’t damage the brickwork of his house, so we both knew that much. But, my creeper had out bid his creeper, the same way I’d out bid him on my house, the basis for his continuing animosity, so I am sure he was keen to chop down as much as possible, that much I knew.

He owned a landlocked block behind my house that only had laneway access. When he was starting to build his house, old Maggie, who used to own my place, got too old and moved into a retirement home, so Brian thought he’d buy my place and have a huge back yard.

I hadn’t seen Brian for a while, he looked old, I guessed he is old now. I guess he is an old man now a days. He seemed to be doing the work on his own, stupid old bugger. I wondered if he was up to it? Not that I really cared. Once, I would have wished it killed him, but now a days I didn’t care to put in that much thought about him.

The sun shone down, it was an absolutely sparkling day, so I went for a walk around 10.45am. I’d worry about Brian later. I knew I was going to be annoyed by whatever he’d done when I got home, but I tried not to think about it. It was a lovely day.

I listened to Hot Chocolate.

David messaged me, he was still in bed, feeling like a fat loser. I told him that he was.

I did Powerball in Elgin Street. I couldn’t remember momentarily what day it was and jokingly said to the guy behind the counter.

“If I can’t remember what day it is, I should really go back to work.”

“No, that’s okay,” he said. “That’s what happens when you retire.”

I laughed nervously. Really, I thought, do I look like I am of retiring age?

 

I wondered all the way around on my hour-long circuit what mess Brian would have made by the time I got home. Just don’t think about it, I kept telling myself. Up on that scaffolding, he was in clear sight, my nemesis staring down at me all day, it gave me chills.

I like his wife Anna we have got on fine all the way along, but really do I put too much faith in her? She is Brian’s wife after all. She is married to the lying bastard. Maybe, she just does Brian’s bidding for him now a days, you know, since communication broke down between he and I, what is it, 20 years ago? Maybe? She smooths the way so Brian gets to do whatever he wants. Ah! Whatever. Life is just too short.

It was a sparkling day in Melbourne, glorious blue skies and warm and sunny.

I headed straight to my rear French Doors, as soon as I got back, to see what the old fool had done while I was out walking?

The wall of creeper was hacked into, to be sure, but it could have been worse. It hung in broken strands, but it was predominantly still there. No sign of Brian however. I wondered what that feverish little brain of his was up to? Maybe, he’d gone in for lunch? Maybe? Oh, what did I care, I thought, as I turned to head to my kitchen to rustle up some lunch. 

Buddy was up the back, I could just see his tail around the corner of the car. I turned the key in the back door lock and opened the door. “Hey, Buddy?” He looked back at me and then looked back to where he had been looking. Something had his attention.

“Hey, come inside.” While the coast is clear and Mr Evil Nextdoor Neighbour isn’t around to talk to me, or even see me, or me see him, more to the point, I thought.

But Buddy wasn’t taking any notice of me. Had Milo killed another possum? I headed up the back wearily at the thought.

I was a little shocked by what I saw. I had joked to myself that the stupid old fool might just fall from the scaffolding, but it was a scenario far too delicious to contemplate seriously, but there he was, the stupid old fool, lying prostrate in my second car spot.

“Thank goodness you are here,” wheezed Brian. “I think I have broken my leg and my shoulder, of the side I landed on. I’m in incredible pain and I can’t get up.”

He’d landed on the rear garden where Buddy takes his crap. Always. We never had to teach Buddy that, he just naturally did it. Well, his face had, at the very least. Brian had a dog turd stuck to his cheek. It was a great touch, kind of makes you wonder if there is a god after all.

“You’ve got shit stuck to your face,” I said.

“Help me up.”

Brian, my evil nemesis, wounded in my garden, helpless, incapacitated. Horrible, nasty Brian who made my life hell for so many years, who never gave a rat’s arse about my feelings. The evil one.

I knew I had to supress the smile that wanted to spread across my face.

I felt very calm, sanguine might even be the term. I felt no panic, no angst, just a calm sense of retribution. “What did you do?” I asked. I looked up at the scaffold. “Brian, did you fall down?”

“I was pulling that creeper back into my yard… and a large part of it suddenly let go and I fell,” said Brian.

He really looked like shit, his leg was bent in a very peculiar way, in a way I’d never dreamt a leg could bend. And… I felt nothing but pleased about it. “All the way from up there?”

“Yes.”

“That must have hurt.”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.’

“Jesus!” I said.

“I know,” said Brian.

“That looks painful.”

“It is,” said Brian. “Can you call me an ambulance?”

“It looks broken.”

“I think it is.”

“Really broken.”

“Is there any other kind of broken?”

“I guess not.”

“The ambulance?”

He was pleading. I’d never heard Brian plead before. All I’d ever heard come out of his mouth were lies. Or what amounted to self serving skiting. “Tit for tat,” he said to me in that council meeting about old George’s monster extension next to my place. I never did find out how Brian got the job of designing that?

“I’m sorry, tit for tat?”

“Tit for tat,” he repeated.

He built the most hideous extension next to my place, as pay back for whatever he thought I’d done. Because I’d bought the house. Because I just ignored his objections to my renovations? Wouldn’t agree to the fence he wanted? Whatever it was?

I pulled out my phone and called Mark, who’d been apart of all the dramas with Brian.

“Do you know if Victoria ever bought in Good Samaritan Laws?” I asked.

“I don’t think so,” said Mark. “I think that is an American idea. Why?”

“Guess who dropped in to see me?”

Brian moaned at my feet.

“I don’t know,” said Mark.

“Oh come on, guess who fell out of their coupe…”

“What are you talking about?”

“Remember how I told you Brian was demolishing my creeper?”

“Yes.”

“He has scaffolding and all?”

“Yes.”

“Guess who fell off his scaffolding?”

“Brian?”

“Lying at my feet.”

“What do you mean lying at your feet?”

“Literally.”

“What?”

“And in considerable pain, by all accounts.”

I leant forward and pretended I was speaking to an old person. “Are you in pain?”

“I have already told you that,” said Brian through gritted teeth.

“He is indeed,” I said. “Really reliant on my help right about now.”

“Are you serious?” asked Mark.

“Here, speak to him.” 

I held the phone to Brian’s ear. “Say hello, Brian.”

“I am in pain,” said Brian. “I need medical help.”

“Oh, you remember Mark,” I said. “Just say hello.”

“You are out of your fucking mind,” said Brian.

I put the phone back to my ear. “You are out of your fucking mind,” said Mark.

“Am I?” I said, to both of them, really. “Out of my mind, am I?” I checked with my still small voice and I felt nothing but pleasure. “You should be careful,” I said in a tone of voice I had never heard myself use before. “If I really am out of my fucking mind.” I squatted down next to Brian. “This could go very badly for you.”

“What do you want?” asked Brian.

“You want to apologise?”

“What for?”

“You don’t know?” I said. Maybe I was out of my mind, momentarily, isn’t that a recognised plea bargain? Maybe it was, but I figured I couldn’t get charged for doing nothing. I laughed to myself at the thought, which, I have to admit, right at that moment could have been construed as (the brink of delicious) insanity.

“I need an ambulance, not twenty fucking questions.”

“Yes, yes, I’ll call you an ambulance,” I said. “But first of all I want to hear you apologise.”

“Christian,” said Mark. “Is he really hurt?”

“I guess it is conceivable,” I said into the receiver. “Falling from a one story up scaffolding.”

“What does he look like?” asked Mark.

“Pathetic,” I said.

“What is pathetic?” asked Brian.

“But you already knew that,” I said to Mark.

“Is he badly hurt?” asked Mark. “Christian, did he really fall?”

“As badly hurt as we were when he took photos of our 3^rd story windows from well inside our back yard.”

“Christian, you need to help him.”

“Or when he got the design job for next door from old George so he could build that monstrosity and pay us back, yet again, for buying the house from under him.”

“Christian, I don’t think now is exactly the time…”

“You’ve been a very naughty boy, haven’t you Bri Bri,” I said. “I want to hear you admit your lies…”

“My lies?”

“Don’t play dumb now,” I said in such a serious tone that it gave me shivers. “It doesn’t become you.”

“I’m in pain…”

“I was in pain for months as you lied your way through all those council meetings,” I said. “Being the neighbour from hell.” 

If you’d asked me before this if I’d have found what I was presently doing difficult, I would have said yes, but I was finding it surprisingly easy.

“Tell me you lied at that first council meeting with your photos.”

“You’re insane,” said Brian.

“All the more reason to humour me,” I said.

“I need…”

“SAY IT”

“What?”

“Christian!” said Mark.

“Tell me you lied.”

“No.”

“Tell me you lied!”

“No!”

“TELL ME YOU LIED!”

“NO!”

I stared down at his pale face, his alcohol lined skin and I realised I just didn’t care. Not one scrap. What could he do? It was my word against his. Poor old bugger, must have hit his head when he fell.

“You know what?”

“What?” said Brian.

“What?” said Mark.

“I…” I looked around the back yard.

“Call me an ambulance.”

“I suddenly feel really tired.” And I did. “I might go and lie down.”

“I’ll get you for this…”

“You’re not really in a position to threaten anybody,” I said. I turned and started to walk away. 

“Oh, come on,” demanded Brian.

I did feel tired. Really tired. There was something about drama and the sun and the exercise I’d done that made me suddenly feel really sleepy. 

“I’m in pain, goddamn you!”

I walked towards the house. “The really scary thing is that I could really just go inside, go upstairs and fall asleep,” I said. “Does that make me a sociopath?”

Mark laughed, “I’m not really sure what that makes you,” said Mark. “But I have always said, people should never dick you around.”

“You have always said that, haven’t you,” I said.

“Okay, I lied,” Brian called.

“About the windows?”

“Yes.”

“About the balconies?”

“Yes.”

“About the photos?”

“Yes, yes, yes,” Brian cried. “I lied about it all. You bought the house from under me. You ruined my plans, my amazing plans. It would have been so good, but you ruined it, you ruined everything.”

“And you have never forgiven me?”

“No, I have never forgiven you.”

I tilted my head like a pug dog, I could feel it. “There you go,” I said. “We’ll talk later,” I said to Mark. I pushed end on my phone.

I pushed the button on my roller door and it started to whir open. I dialled 000. The operator answered. “What emergency service do you need?”

“Ambulance, please.” I opened the back door and Buddy and I went inside. “Yes. You’ll need to go up the laneway, you’ll see an open roller door.”