The Blow up Doll, and the Blow Up Doll's Boyfriend's trade

Nicely Carried Out...?

Nicely carried out.

Nicely carried out...? You really have to get up earlier than that to fool me.

Nearly all of the things you state occurs to become astonishingly correct and which makes me ponder the cause why I hadn't checked out this with you previously.

Have you even read the piece?

This particular piece truly did flip the light on for me personally so far as this topic, issue goes.

Tell me, which bit was the most convincing?

But, there is one position I am not truly as, well, comfortable with, so while I make and work to reconcile that with the true core theme of the point, allow me the observation of what all the readers need to say.

And what would that be? The bit with which you are not comfortable, and the observation of what all readers, you say?

Yes…

Need to say?

Nicely carried out, I say all of that.

I repeat, nicely carried out? ...to you too. You try to flatter me, to get an advantage and, I guess, if I was of, um, average intelligence, or more needy than I actually am, your words may have worked. But, alas for you, this is not the case, so good luck to you.

You misjudge me, I feel.

Well, allow me the observation of what all the writers need to say to you, my good man, nice try.

But, of course.

The conman, the charlatan, the thief, the rogue I’d like to say that I have had much experience with your type, but I have not.

Again, I say you misjudge me.

How did you get passed my photo scanners? I wonder? How did the robot security not kick in on you?

Perhaps you mistake me for someone else?

Does the shit that falls from your mouth even work? I have my doubts.

I am not trying to work anything, I assure you.

Even when I am calling you out to your face, you are still as slippery as ever.

I am sure you mistake me for another.

No sir, I do not. I know exactly who you are.

I would question that, indeed I would.

You have no purchase, here, to question anything.

I was merely congratulating you on your clear success.

No, sir, you were not. I know that. You know that. And yet here we are still deep in your con.

There is no con here, my good man, known, or not known…

I always knew you were a piece of work, but to have the gall to stand here and claim what you are claiming, now, even for you that is quite remarkable.

I don’t doubt that I am remarkable…

I don’t doubt that for a minute.

But I think you are being…

Good day sir.

I think you should let me defend myself from your miscon…

I said good day!

To The Guy Sitting Opposite Me On The Tram

To the guy sitting opposite me on the tram yesterday morning, thanks for the laugh so early in the morning. It does the heart good, well, it does, starting the morning that way.

The tram was busy with people, many were standing. I'd found a seat, as I usually seem to, they just kind of appear for me. Like car parks do, as my friend Mandy always says.

I first noticed him when he was standing in front of me with his back to me, his grey trousers were kind of tight and had a check to them and a thin red stripe that just seemed to float on the grey material. Was I seeing in 3D? I rubbed my eyes. He jigged his leg, which I thought was kind of unusual when someone was standing, it’s a sitting down kind of activity, generally. I know, I sometimes I jig my leg when I am sitting and it is oddly satisfying.

Then he turned around and stood next to me, you know really close, closer than I really thought he needed to so early on a, was it Monday? I hadn’t even woken up enough to know. It was early, I was like a two week old puppy, my eyes hadn’t opened yet.

All I had to do was tilt my head to the right, just slightly, and it seemed like the grey checked red striped material was right in my face. I could see his hand twitching. He had long fingers. I wondered if he had his nails done? It looked like he had his nails done. His knuckles kind of popped, you know like that dance, if he’d stretched them out they would have been grazing my forehead with each twitch and pop. 

I gazed up to see if he had headphones on? He did, of course.

A seat became available, the woman with the thick glasses and the even thicker trashy novel got off on the edge of the CBD. He sat down, on the seat opposite. He had to pull the legs of his grey checked and red striped trousers up, as they kind of caught around his knees, for his legs to stretch out a bit inside the material. His fingers continued to twitch and dance on his thighs. It was difficult looking in his direction, without my eyes just kind of following those fingers, it was hard not to look at them doing their jig. I resisted, just a little, but not really so much. I didn’t want to stare, but it was hard not to.

When some fool tried to do a U turn over the tram tracks and the tram had to slam on its brakes suddenly, his hands clenched into fists so tightly I thought the ends of his thumbs were going to shoot off into space, perhaps ricochet around the cabin like stray bullets. The thought of stray thumbs flying about over our heads made me chuckle.

I’d wait for him to look out the window, then my eyes would drop and watch those fabulous fingers. They kind of danced and jigged up and down his thighs, backwards and forwards. When he looked back in my direction, I’d divert my eyes quickly to the right and out the window on the other side of the tram. Tra la la. Then when I saw him in my peripheral vision look out the window again, my eyes would slide back to his twitching fingers. I’m pretty sure he didn’t catch me looking.

Ipsy wipsy spider’s web came to mind and those hand actions my mum used to do as she recited the words.

His fingers were like two spiders running up and down his thighs. Dancing, and twitching and fidgeting, and prancing and pirouetting and spinning there on his legs. Had he had one too many coffees? Was he waiting for his medication to kick in? The thoughts made me chuckle too.

I wondered if he knew what his hands were doing? Was he fully cognisant, or was there some kind of disconnect going on? I looked around to see if anyone else noticed the show going on right under their eyes, but no, of course not, just blank stares all around me. A sea of faces set to cadaver, for the morning journey into town.

Aaron and Travis

Twins Aaron and Travis have been creepily identical since birth. Sure, they are twins, of course, but it goes further than that. They are like the same person. There is no doubt about the egg dividing with those two. When they were boys, only their mother could tell them apart.

"Do the chicks dig the twin thing?" I said.

"No, it does their heads in," said Aaron.

"Spins them out," said Travis.

"We've tried it with one girl," said Aaron. "Let her think we were one person."

"Twice," said both Travis and Aaron, at exactly the same time. It's spooky when they do that. And they do it often.

"The girl didn't like it," said Aaron.

"After a while," said Travis, with a cheeky smile.

"Spun her..." said Aaron.

"...out," said Travis.

"Once the drugs wore off," said Aaron.

"Didn't work," said Travis.

"When the final realisation hit her," said Aaron.

"When she realised we were..." said Travis.

"...two and not one," said Aaron.

They both reached for their coffee, at the same time. They both drank together. They both wiped their mouths in exactly the same way.

"They all think he's better looking," said Travis, smiling broadly. It is their joke. A twin joke. I guess you have to be there in person, as nobody can tell these guys apart.

"But really..."

"They can't tell us apart..."

"In any detail," said Aaron.

"In any detail," said Travis. "Can't tell it's not Aaron's chest they're not lying on..."

"When they are lying on his," said Aaron.

They both smiled exactly the same, kind of self-satisfied.

"We thought it would turn her on."

“You know, in the end.”

“Like it turned us on.”

"She threatened to have us charged," said Aaron.

Travis shrugged. "Like she would have known if we hadn't told her."

We cracked open three stubbies and let the afternoon sun warm our faces and sparkle in our eyes.

"We ran into her, together." Aaron pointed to Travis and then himself. "In the city, one Saturday."

“Just unexpectedly,” said Travis.

“She’d always thought there was something…”

“She couldn’t put her finger on it…”

“But there was something.”

“You wouldn’t know, now would you.”

“It just wouldn’t come into your thinking.”

“It’s different if you are a twin,” said Travis. “But otherwise, not so much.”

“But then she saw us together…”

“And she did these double takes and we could both see the realisation come to her as it came to her.”

“The look on her face.”

“Would have been priceless…”

“If she hadn’t turned like…”

“A bitch.”

“It was both of you,” she said. 

“And then she realised more.”

“OMG! I…” she dropped her voice and looked around. “I… both.. OMG! OMG! It was… both. BOTH!”

“Hold on,” said Travis.

“We never said…”

“No that IS the problem, you never said!”

It was a bright summery day, it sparkled. The sky was blue. Cloudless. The breeze was cool. Birds tweeted in the trees. Leaves fell from the gum tree.

Then there was the swap.”

“We swapped girlfriends.”

“We just wanted to know if they could tell.”

“If we could get away with it.”

“That was it.”

“And they nearly didn’t.”

“Tell,” said Travis.

“We shouldn’t have...”

“No, we shouldn’t have....”

“But, it’s just sex,” said Aaron

“What’s the big deal?” said Travis.

“If they enjoyed it when we were doing it…”

“Why complain about it later?”

“Just because they found out it wasn’t,” Aaron grimaced and raised his hands to make air quotes, “exactly what they thought.”

“What does making victims out of people, actually, prove?”

“Travis gave it away at the last minute,” said Aaron.

“I said something about talking to Aaron…” said Travis.

“When he was supposed to be me,” said Aaron.

“And Louisa got it straight away.”

“Talk to Aaron,” she said confused. “Then there were more OMG’s than I can remember as she picked it straight away.”

“She was screaming about rape.”

“Like WTF?”

“They both split up with us.”

“Dumped us. Both.”

“We learned that’s how you lose your girlfriend.”

“By doing that…”

“It is basically dishonest, I guess, when you really think about it.”

“We thought it was a bit of fun.”

“But our girlfriends definitely did not… think… that.”

“They took it…”

“Really badly.”

“Shame, they both had nice pussies.” Aaron smiled wickedly.

“Don’t smile like that,” said Travis.

"But, we both fucked them," said Travis.

"They had both of us, thinking we were the other person," said Aaron.

"Only time," said Travis. "We swapped around."

“Only time?” I asked.

They both laughed.

"They weren't half cross about it."

"We don't think we should try that trick again."

"We learnt our lesson," said Aaron.

"So?" I had to ask. "What about...?"

They both smiled exactly the same way. They both looked at each other, kind of embarrassed, kind of amused.

"Exactly the same," said Travis.

"Identical... too," said Aaron.

"So, you've compared them?"

"Of course, we have," they both said in unison. They looked at each other and shrugged. "Everybody asks that," again, in unison.

"It is a favourite question," said Travis.

"They are exactly the same," said Aaron.

Travis lowered his voice. "We've jerked off together, often."

“Often,” said Aaron.

“Had races,” said Travis.

“I always won,” said Aaron.

“Just proving…”

“He is a wanker…” said Aaron, now talking about himself in the 3rd person, as if identical twins wasn’t bad enough.

“When we were kids,” said Travis. “Well, not kids, you know what I mean?”

“You know what he means.”

“Men,” Travis.

“Turning into,” said Aaron.

“You know…”

“When guys do that sort of thing…”

“We…”

“Did.”

“We did.”

“And yeah, to answer your question…”

“Identical,” they said in unison.

Appendix Scar

He got his Appendix Scar from being a pig-headed kid.

He pulled a sickie with his mother one day going to school, saying he had a pain in his stomach. “Go to school, stop trying for a day off."

But he insisted he was in pain. 

So his mother said, “Well, if you are sick we’d better see the doctor.”

And, they were at the doctor’s an hour later and the doctor diagnosed appendicitis. And he was booked straight in to have his appendix removed.

“We can’t mess around with these things,” said the doctor. “There is nothing to be gain from waiting.”

“Okay doctor, said his mother. “Whatever you think.”

But, it was all made up, he had no pain in his side, but he was too far into it by that stage.

That afternoon he went under the knife and had his appendix removed.

Ever since, he has laughed to himself whenever someone mentioned his appendix scar.

I Started Smoking Again

I started smoking (cigarettes) again. It's a curse, one that you love and hate in equal measures.

Okay, I can see now I was a little rash about the hope to die remark if I relapsed, that I made recently. Yes, hasty. Yes, obviously. I was getting a little carried away hoping to die if I smoked again, I admit that now. Clearly, that is not something I want as a consequence, of having a fag. No siree Bob.

Not, that kind of fag. No, I mean the non insulting kind. No, it’s not a trigger, it is a cigarette.

I guess, I’ll be avoiding black cats, or popping the button on my fold up umbrella, inside the house. You know how that happens, sometimes, just mysteriously. No, I don’t know why. Clearly, it is the mechanism. Well, I’ll be vigilant about that for a while. Or walking under ladders. Not that I have ever made a habit of walking under ladders.

Is that salt? Is that the salt container? Could you pass it to me? Thaaank You.

Nothing. I did nothing. No, really nothing. You saw nothing. No.

Okay, okay, I threw some of the salt over my left shoulder. Are you happy.

Do, I think it works? No, I am just in the habit of useless actions, what do you think?

Yes. I said yes, didn't I. Safe than sorry. Yes, it's better to be.

Graffiti Wall

 

Whizz Goes The Alphabet

all over the wall

in Hieroglyphics

only certain people know

those who are in on it,

you know, on the whole damn thing,

who can read the tag,

see what it says.

Foe, or friend,

it doesn't seem to depend.

A confluence of terms?

just get it done!

“Yeah, we’re friends, what of it?”

“All of you, as a community?”

“I wouldn’t say that, but some of the guys and I are mates.”

“So, you all know each other?”

“Kind of.”

“You know who everyone is, you know, in the town?”

“I know their tags more than I know their faces.”

“But, you’re mates, the guys who make up the community?”

“I don’t think you know how many taggers there are,” says Microbe.

“It’s hard to know everyone…” says Dondi.

“You know, personally,” says Microbe.

“Oh okay, so it is more of a disparate group?”

“Nobody is desperate here, mate.”

“Disparate, I said disparate.”

“Dunno,” says Microbe.

“What he means, is he doesn’t know what that means,” says Dondi.

Microbe punches Dondi for his honesty. “Nah, what he said.”

“All different.”

“Yeah, sure,” says Microbe.

“We’re all individuals,” says Dondi.

“We’re all different.”

"That's what the tags mean."

Damage 2000,

Deface Universe,

Trash Boy,

Base Unit,

Shepard,

Dondi,

Lady Black,

Future K,

Goose,

Microbe,

Archer,

Side Winder 01,

Killer K,

Yikes 123,

Halo,

Is it information passed on? is it directions to the next tag-a-thon? Is that what they call it. Is it just simply saying I was here? The equivalent of toddlers banging their chests through the perceived lack of attention. Is it mindless scribble over everyone’s world because those with the spray cans, Archer, and Arse Pounder, have no discernible talent to speak of, except for a propensity to scribble all over all of our lives?

Is it a continuing conversation? You know, the next instalment of what came before this? Microbe and Killer have some of their, they call them tags, I call it their shit tattooed to their faces as if continued property destruction just wasn’t quite enough for them, they had to go in for personal desecration

There was that unfortunate business about Percy The Seal and GooseNeck going to jail for 6 months for what he did.

There was the protest of mass tagging after that in camaraderie for a fallen tagger mate.

“All the guys went out the following nights.”

“All the guys?”

“Girls too. Girls are guys in the collective.”

"They all went out?"

"They all went out and hit whatever they could."

"With Graffiti?"

"Tags."

"Tags."

"It was, I guess you'd call it, a revenge attack, for what they perceived as unfair treatment of GooseNeck.

Microbe and Dondi met on the top of the big hill in the suburb in which they both lived just as the sun was coming up the day after GooseNeck’s sentence.

“Did you hear what happened to Goose?”

“Yeah.”

“It fucken sucks.”

Yeah.”

“They can’t do that?”

“It’s not right.”

“Next time it could be me, or you.”

“Well, yeah it could be, we know that.”

“Yes, of course, but jail, 6 months in jail.”

“That sucks.”

“It’s too much, what is this, a police state.”

“Well, yeah, again, we know that.”

“Fuck ‘em!”

“Yeah, fuck ‘em!”

“I’m angry, you should be angry, we all should be angry.”

“I’m gonna hit the court house.

“I’m gonna hit the town hall.”

“I’m gonna hit the cop shop too.”

Microbe threw his skateboard onto the road and skated away. Dondi did the same and skated after Microbe down the long sweeping hill in the fresh morning light. 

Microbe let out a whoop! Doni yelled out too.

Dondi holds his arms out to balance himself. Microbe crouches down and skates squatting.

Archer and Halo and Shepard joined them tagging the court house. Microbe drawing his beetle. Dondi tagging his face. Archer tagged big A’s. Halo tagged circles. Shepard tagged what looked like sheep all over the façade of the old court house.

Lady Black and Martha joined the guys at the town hall where they tagged also.

Justice is not a judge with a grudge, said one wall.

Eat the judiciary! said another wall.