Out Of My Head

I rode my bike around the Yarra. Swift. Sleek. Skimming the corners. Flying. It's the thing that keeps me sane. Wind in my hair, the burning in my calves.

Cool wind on my face and on my chest.

Faster than the wind. Just staying in front.

I ride for an hour. I try not to stop, except for little children and traffic lights just at the very end.

That last hill is a killer. I try to take it in one stride.

I love that feeling at the end, once I've dismounted onto my unsteady feet. Gasping for breath. But in a healthy, cleaned out the arteries, kind of way.

I went out drinking with Sebastian and Cam. Jessie was there. We just kind of came face to face, just like that. Noisy bar, could hardly hear each other speak.

"How are you? How are you?" we said at exactly the same time.

"You look good. You look good." Awkward freeze. 

"Nice to see you, Jake. But, I've got to go. I'm meeting someone." She smiled. She looked confident, beautiful.

"Me too," I said. I hadn't seen her for how long? Not out. Not dressed up. All our wayward nights at uni, together, flashed through my head, seeing her standing there looking gorgeous. She was the last person I had expected to see. If I said it was shocking, I’d be overstating it, but it wasn’t far off.

She did look good.

Then she was gone.

Then I couldn’t get her out of my head. Sebastian and Cam bought me drinks and told me stories and generally chatted away, you know, to try and take my mind off her. Well, I think that is why they were talking away non-stop? Maybe it was the beer? But, I couldn’t concentrate on what they were saying, not really. It had been a surprise. I kept looking around, thinking I saw her in the crowd. I kept wondering who was she meeting.

I gave it my best shot after that, you know, having a good time, you know, like you do. But, it was no good, my mind kept wandering, I just wasn’t into it after that. The night. Drinking with friends. I wanted to see who she was meeting if it was a girlfriend. I didn’t want to see her with another guy. No, I wanted to see that. No, I didn’t.

I just couldn’t relax.

I made excuses and said I had to go. Sebastian and Cam tried to talk me into staying, but it wasn’t any good. I know it should have been. You know, being out like an adult. But no, I had to go, head home, dive under the blue blanket and let it go.

I went riding to get her out of my head. The next day, when she was the first thing I thought of when I opened my eyes to the day. I just had to get away.

Do you think you can ride away from your, well, not exactly, troubles, but whatever is on your mind? Problems. Heartache. Troubles. I think you can. You know, keep peddling, and don’t stop, until all of your focus is on your burning legs, and your heavy breathing, and your mind just resets itself naturally.

Focus. Look ahead. And what is ever in your head floats away. Gone. Vanquished. And it’s good for you. For me. The sky over head was blue. I push, push, pushed until it was only the bike path that was in front of me that was in my head.

And then my mind was clear, and it was just fresh air, and the road ahead.

And then all that other stuff is bled, you know cleared away, you know where it was, the space left was free and tranquil and clear, yes clear, I wanted clear, and all that other stuff, all that other stuff, what was that other stuff? The wind in the hair, the sun on my face, feeling a sense of accomplishment pulsing in my muscles as I sped along the bike path as fast as I could and everything that was wrong was then right, and even if I do say so, was now a delight. 

What was I thinking last night? Really, what was that? The shadow of something I used to know. How easily it makes itself important like I want that. I don't want that. It is just something I used to know. A habit of which I'd unburdened myself, of which, from time to time, the muscle memory quivers and makes itself known.

Funny the things you think some time?