Stinking Bitch

Stinky Rachel smelt, putrid bitch. There was no mistaking it. I could smell it wafting around my nostrils, every so often, like passing clouds, that damp, musky, rank odour just passed over me, by me, whenever she came over to my side of the office.

I wanted to say, take yourself away and wash yourself. "Hey Rach, a bit mongy today."

I wondered if it was her nylon panties across her, you know, er, doesn't bear thinking about? Or was it dirty knickers, not washed, running late this morning. Maybe, it was Rob who pinned her down before she got out of bed, leaving no time for more than a wipe down with a cloth.

Of course, she looked quite happy, oblivious, they say a dog can't smell its own rancidness. Getting up with fleas, indeed.

I don't know what the boy equivalent is? I'm not sure there is one? A smelly foreskin? I'm not sure you can really smell that underneath clothes. Too closed in, to many layers between it and the world. Where Rachel had on a dress, with only a thin layer of cotton, I can only assume, between me and her mess.

A dirty foreskin only takes a few sucks and it is clean and the smell is gone? Does a snatch work the same way? I'll have to ask my mate George, he loves talking about that stuff. That is, of course, what girls have in their favour, straight boys don't care if it stinks, just as long as they let them in.

I'm guessing the Sisterhood is scratching at the furniture and grinding their collective teeth over this story, thus far. Oh, bad me, I criticised a woman and I did it on a personal level. Boo Hoo! Am I bad?

Yeah sorry, if I have offended that Borg consciousness thing the sisterhood has got going on, I'm sorry, but it has to be done. Vile cow.

Did you pick up that I don't like Rachel B? I don't.

It is not a girl thing, as such, I work with girls all the time, I mostly have female bosses, just as it happens, all of whom have become friends. But Rachel B. was just a two-faced bitch bitch. She was my boss and she used to look me in the eye and lie to my face. Yes, I am saying these things because I don’t like her. It is still true that she had vaginal odour.

Fuck it. I don’t care!

I had the Witches of Eastwick as my bosses. The Anorexic Bitch was the big boss, the Heart-Attack-Waiting-To-Happen (Apparently, she used to get chest pains, that was the goss on the down low) was Stinky Rachel’s Boss and Stinky Rachel was my boss. And they were a pack of cunts.

The Anorexic Bitch wanted me out, because she was as mad as Hitler and couldn’t stand anything below total loyalty. She was such a rude cow, so unpleasant to be around, that 12 months before she concocted a pack of lies and sacked me, I stopped talking to her. She was just a miserable piece of whatever [fill in the blank], and I stopped talking to her, stopped communicating with her, stopped acknowledging her existence. Now, I mean, I wasn’t stupid, I responded to her if she spoke to me directly, but unless she spoke to me directly, I didn’t communicate with her. I avoided eye contact with her around the office, she was dead to me, and she didn't like it.

So, The Anorexic Bitch got together with the Heart-Attack-Waiting-To-Happen and concocted misery for Stinky Rachel to inflict on me on a daily basis. Nothing I ever did was right. All of my work was picked to pieces. And whenever I questioned Stinky Rachel if there was some kind of problem that I could address, she lied to my face and said nothing was wrong.

If ever I came out of Stinky Rachel’s and my office and saw Stinky Rachel in the Heart-Attack-Waiting-To-Happen’s office, I knew trouble was on my way, and invariably my way it came, right on queue. Stinky Rachel had this attitude where she’d be sitting forward on her seat appearing to hang off every word the Heart-Attack-Waiting-To-Happen was uttering and I learned that meant they were concocting some shit for me.

I got my own back on Stinky Rachel, just a little, as my time with the awful law firm came to an end. 

Just days before, The Anorexic Bitch, accompanied by one of the loveliest HR women in the firm – who I heard through sources resigned over the treatment that was dished out to me, unconfirmed – organised a meeting and spewed half an hour of words at me, none of which were true, all of which I disputed, before the ugly, ugly women sacked me. 

I was going to resign, but I was determined to get my long service leave, so I hung on. Stupid me, I wouldn’t do that again. 

Anyway, tick, tick, tick, I only had a couple of days before my anniversary and qualifying for long service leave and therefore triggering my resignation.

As it turned out, a day, or two, before my sacking – I think it was the Thursday, I was going to resign on the Monday, but The Anorexic Bitch sacked me before I resigned, which was good for me as they paid me out a lot of money to shut me up, which I wouldn’t have got if I resign – Stinky Rachel had not only messed up the paperwork for one of the firms partners, but she had messed it up even more when she’d tried to fix the original mess. There was some important legal aspect to this, which I can’t remember now. The partner was apoplectic about the situation and she called up Stinky Rachel and absolutely read the riot act down the phone to her. She was beyond furious. Stinky Rachel had no idea what she was doing, that was the problem. She was helicoptered into the position of my boss, with no experience whatsoever, when my lovely boss, Beck, was sacked by the Anorexic Bitch a few months previously, on dubious grounds, of course.

So, Stinky Rachel couldn’t apologise enough, or suck up this partner’s arse far enough, promising on her life that she now had it all sorted out. It was a very tense phone call – which I enjoyed immensely – at the end of which Stinky Rachel told me she was done in and she had to go home early because of the drama. On her way out, she tossed the letter containing the very important, on which maybe her job depended, corrective paperwork at me, and looking down her wicked witch of the west’s nose, said, 

“Put this in the mail before you leave, will you?” 

And then she left an hour early because of the blowup. The poor petal.

This mail thing made absolutely no sense as she was practically walking past the mail box/slot/tray herself. She could have done it herself.

Anyway, stupid her. I could never understand this action. Was she so self-focused that she had no clue what the effect of her lies and scheming to get rid of me with her two senior cunts would have on me? She must have been absolutely clueless? She was dumb as ditch water, I know that. But usually, the evil and the dishonest have some sort of rat cunning. I mean, seriously?

Anyway, I was left sitting at my desk with this very important letter in my hands. Well, very important to Stinky Rachel. Something she really needed to be delivered. Was I getting this right, her job may have well depended on this letter getting to its destination? Did I have that right? Did I? Was that the story?

I tossed the letter from one hand to the other. And then back again. I twiddled the envelope in my fingers.

I looked down at the envelope in my hands.

PUT this in the mail before you leave, will you?

Put THIS in the mail before you leave, will you?

Put this in the MAIL before you leave, will you?

Put this in the mail BEFORE you leave, will you?

Put this in the mail? I tossed the letter from one hand to the other.

Put this in the mail? I tossed the letter from one hand to the other again.

Why didn’t you put it in the mail yourself? Why did you give it to me to put in the mail? Was this some sort of dominance thing? Clean up my shit, boy? I had to wonder. Not that I cared, fuck her. It was just an interesting development? And weird too. If you had a letter on which your job may have depended, don’t you think you would personally make sure it got, in this case, posted? Don’t you think?

This very important letter.

Important… letter. I said the words out loud.

Well, anyway, we had a big office and we delt in sensitive paperwork, so we had a rather large shredder. And I was supposed to be resigning in 3 work days.

Put this in the mail, before you leave, I said for the last time.

Oh yeah, Stinky Rachel, I’ll put it in the mail before I leave, sure I will.

As I said, it was a rather large shredder, and, wouldn’t you know it, Stinky Rachel’s very important, thick with very important paperwork, letter was no problem for the very big shredder.

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

I whistled as I left the office, that day, which was unusual for me.

And then I didn’t really think about it again. I had other things to think about. It wasn’t until a couple of years later that someone said to me, You know, Rachel left not long after you did. But, I didn’t care by then. Someone else from that period told me she thought Rachel was dead and the two of us had a really good laugh.