Pie

"Would you like some vegan pie," asks Ivan. "It's made from real vegans."

They all laugh. Mike indicates he'll have some.

"There is a whole clutch of them," Ivan laughs. "Was... a whole... clutch... of... them..." Ivan could feel his own eyebrows rise sharply. They all laugh. "A whole clutch of them, out Healesville way."

"I love it out there," says Bryan. "So pretty."

"Just like you."

Bryan blushes.

"Vegan pie?" asks Ivan. "Real vegans, you know. We had to burn down the collectives and kill the men folk to get enough vegan meat for these pies.""

"Oh, yes please," says Dan. "Never tried it."

"Tastes just like chicken, they say," says Ivan.

“Just like chicken?” Dan asks.

“That’s what they tell me,” says Ivan

"Doesn't everything," says Bryan.

Ivan looks at Bryan.

"Even non vegans? Don’t they taste like chicken too,” says Bryan. “So, they say?”

“You’d taste like sausage, mate,” says Ivan.

“Too easy,” says Dan.

“How so?” says Ivan.

“It’s just rolls off your tongue,” says Dan. “It is built that way.”

“As silly as,” says Ivan. “I don’t know what you mean?”

“Yes, you do.”

Ivan laughs. “Silly Dan, has always been silly. Like a sausage they say. Like a big fat sausage. Who says? They say? And we’d all have to say. What a silly sausage is Dan. Okay everybody.” 

“What a silly sausage is Dan,” says everyone present.

“Are you quite done?” asks Dan.

Ivan pushes the pie dish towards Dan. “Did you want pie, Dan? Vegan pie?

“So judgemental,” says Dan.

“Like a religion.”

“Makes your ears bleed.”

“Ironic, really.”

“Like the vegans?”

"Like the vegans."

Ivan pulls the pie away from Dan and steps past him.

“I will have pie,” says Dan. “Vegan pie is my very favourite, after all.”

“I’ll see how I go when I come back around, Dan.”

“You suck, have I told you that?” says Dan.

Ivan turns away. “Midge Vickers-Waffle!” says Ivan. “As I live and breathe.”

“Ivan,” says Midge.

“What the hell are you doing here in this house of sin, my dear?”

“I was invited.”

“By whom, my dear. By whom?”

“You Ivan, I was invited by you.”

Ivan screws his mouth into a pout. “Well?” Ivan swings the pie around to Midge. “Pie, Midge? Vegan pie? Made with…”

“Real Vegans,” everyone at the table chimes in.”

Ivan looks around. “Thank you one and all,” he says.

“Oh yes, I don’t mind if I do,” says Midge.

“They have been de-boned, de-veined, and drained of fluids, for your gastronomic enjoyment.”

“Just a small piece,” says Midge.

“Oh, okay, here, I believe this came from the runt of the pack? Or was that a child? Oh, I can never remember now. Igor did tell me. Anyway, I’m not at all sure, that it even matters. Hold out your plate, Midge dear.”

“Okay then ladies and germs,” says Ivan. “I do believe that is everyone.”

Dan clears his throat.

“Oh, yes, Dan,” says Ivan. “I have a pie for you.”

Dan passes his plate to Ivan.

“There are spitting bowls here, here, and here for any teeth, or fingernails Chef may have missed.”

Mike spits into the bowl closest to him.

“Now remember, don’t fill up on pie, that is just the entre,” says Ivan. “There is Spinal Hair pasta for main.”

“Oh, my very favourite,” says Bryan. Ivan twitches his nose at Bryan.

“And placenta blood jelly with figs for dessert,” says Ivan. "Bon appétit"