I'm Semi Interested In People

I'm semi interested in people, you know, as long as they don't interfere with my life too much, do their own thing, don't whine or gossip, or bore my pants off, I’m okay with them. Humans are interesting, in a self-focused, selfish kind, poke them and see kind of way. Cats and humans are alike, it's why some humans don't like their feline friends all that much, too alike.

Maybe, they'd make good pets? You know, a couple of throw humans for the end of the bed. 

"I can't sleep, entertain me." 

You know, the pretty ones. Go on, get on with it. Don’t be shy. Oh, don’t make me have to show you, surely your natural juices, your propensity to show off, your need for attention, your need to be important, gives you some idea? Pheromones, hormones, your lick it and see attitude, gives you some kind of idea. How else do any of you shag? It isn’t rocket science. It can’t just be when she is unconscious, surely. Come on, get on with it, I’m waiting. Use each other as a gym set, hang off each other until one of you makes a mess. Show me what you’ve got. Show me what's hot.

The plain ones could still cook & clean, or take the rubbish out, do the garden, sort out your emails, clean up the bedroom after the pretty ones had finished in there. Someone to comb your hair, if you don't mind 'that' near your head.

I don’t know, what else did you used to get your mum to do? Wipe up the stains of poo. Well, you know, when they really get into it.

I could teach them to say lines like a cocky, or stand like a statue, or, maybe, I could just watch them wrestle on a mat, or make them sit up on their hind legs and catch chocolate in their mouths. Clap their hands and honk like a seal?

Of course, there would be a favourite, which, I guess, would get him into fights with the others. But, it can only toughen him up, which can't be a bad thing. You know, Rocky is my favourite. The charismatic one, with big hands, who looks good on all fours.

You know how life works?

So many of them are worth a giggle and a point. And if they can take directions, all the better.

Then again...

Maybe, if they look good in something wet. Sitting on a ball. Done up in a shiny cagoule. Or in nothing at all – seriously, that is only a few of them, in my experience mostly they look better dressed up.

Maybe, if they are sweet. Have no energy to compete. Maybe if they are neat. Or spend most of their time asleep. 

Of course, dead is even better, I think, even if they lie about the place until they stink. They are quieter that way, less demanding, and less likely to be a bother. Of course, those bits that are 'pink' aren't nearly as nice, but that's just swings and roundabout, let's face it.

Ah people? The never ending question? The never ending problem? That nonstop annoyance. You know, do they ever shut up? Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. And if you snap and kill the ‘bitches’, you tend to go to jail. How is that even sustainable? I ask you? The fuckers are just so adorable, and really pieces of shit, all rolled into one, all at the same time. It's such a crime.