Use The Remote: September 2010

Monday, 6 September 2010

Fear In A Big Car

“The same fear of being assaulted, is essentially the same fear that makes woman want to drive four wheel drives,” says Emerald.

“You can't touch me in this?” says Jerry

“I can get you first, she thinks, as she cuts everyone off... and the persecuted become the persecutors,” says Emerald

“That's life, I suppose,” says Harvey.

“Increasingly, we are making decisions on fear and not on logic. The commercial world's greatest asset, keep them afraid and they will spend more money to make themselves feel better, to make themselves feel safer,” says Brian.

“Funny how self preservation is our greatest goal,” says Jerry.

“It kind of has to be, now doesn’t it,” says Harvey.

“Mine is to get lovely art on the wall, a 911 in the garage, and a beach house down the coast. Oh yes, and a few dollars saved in the bank,” says Brian.

“Stop living in fear girls, go and get yourself a nice dress instead, a job you enjoy, and a man for your bed,” says Harvey.

“Easy for you to say,” said Emerald.

“Oh yes, I know. It’s just that this conversation was about chicks in their 4WDs, namely of the charcoal grey Volvo variety,” says Brian.

“Watch out, I am coming through, sitting up as high as I like. I feel invincible in my command centre on wheels. Out of my way, little man, you are in my path,” says Emerald.

“You won’t fit through there, Emerald. No, you won’t,” says Harvey.

“COMING THOUGH!” says Emerald.

“Jasus Xist, you fitted through. Dear Universe! How did you do that?” says Harvey.

“Cackle.” Emerald laughs.

“You sound possessed when you laugh like that, Emerald, you really do!” says Jerry.

“Maniacal laugh. The engine roaring,” screams Emerald.

“Did you see the look on that poor sod’s face,” says Jerry.

“He’s lucky he had a face left now that I am done. GET OUT OF MY AWY!” says Emerald.

“It is fear, that makes them act in such away, it has to be, as nobody is that fucked up naturally,” says Jerry. “Surely?”

“It could have been just as easily said, Stop living in fear boys, go and get yourself a nice dress, in which you can feel the fresh air blow, a job you enjoy, and a man for your bed. Enjoy taking what your wife/girlfriends can’t give you, in your tiny briefs and your arse swishing in just such away, being such a tease, baby,” says Brian.

“Women have to win sometimes,” says Emerald. “They can’t always live in fear.”

“Here’s to women,” says Jerry.

“To women feeling safe,” says Harvey.

“And to all those men who make them live in fear,” says Brian. “Hold up your glasses.”

They hold their glasses high in the air.

“Fuck you,” they all say in unison.

They scull their drinks.

“More wine?” says Emerald. She holds up bottles of red and white wine, one in each hand. Everyone wants a refill.

“All those men who make women afraid, they should be given to the gays,” says Jerry.

“In their undies,” says Harvey.

“Made to dance like go-go boys,” says Brian.

“Until they fucken drop,” says Emerald.

“And judged on performance,” says Jerry.

“And looks,” says Harvey.

“And how they fill their briefs,” says Brian.

“They should be made to serve the queens meals?’ says Jerry.

“High tea,” says Harvey.

“Get their arses pinched while they are doing it,” says Brian.

“Get touched up,” says Jerry.

“Right up the crack in their arses,” says Emerald.

“Spoken down to…,” says Harvey.

“Like objects,” says Brian.

“Yes, that would fix them,” says Jerry.

“Knock the misogyny out of them,” says Harvey.

“Fuck them up,” says Emerald.

“And if it doesn’t, they should be kept in service,” says Brian.

“In their scanties,” says Jerry.

“Until they learn how to behave around the opposite sex,” says Harvey.

“I’ll take one,” says Brian. “Under my wing.”

“For the good of the planet, I assume,” says Jerry.

“Doing your bit for society, I assume?” says Harvey.

“More wine?” says Emerald. She held up the red and white bottles again.

“It will be the best gay version of They Shoot Horses Don’t They,” says Brian.

“Except for aggressive straight boys,” says Jerry.

“Dancing solo go-go style,” says Harvey.

“Until they drop,” says Brian.

“And they get carried off,” says Jerry.

“By muscle boys,” says Harvey.

“Getting dumped like bags of shit into bunks provided,” says Brian.

“With collars,” says Jerry.

“And leashes,” says Harvey.

“I’ll apply the lashes to the recalcitrant ones, right on their firm round arses,” says Brian. “This is for every woman you've made to feel afraid. Thwack!”

"This is for every girl you've hurt. Thwack!" says Jerry.

"This is for every girl you've made cry. Thwack!" says Harvey.

“More wine?” says Emerald.

Friday, 3 September 2010

What Happened?

What happened? We look around and every thing's changed and we ask the question. What happened? Do I remember? Have I had fun? What does any of this mean?

Did I fulfil my dreams?

Or, was I too busy living my life, working my days to pay for my nights? The bills never stopped, the wants never ceased, just decreased a little each year, if you know what I mean. By the time I am very old, I am sure I will be very still.

And suddenly it's ten, twenty years later and we are left wondering, what happened? What did I do? Where did time go? And suddenly you are having trouble getting up from the couch. I used to just spring up, now it is grab hold and heave-ho.

How did I get here?

But, I feel okay. Just the same. Just the minutes slip sliding away. Oh? Now a groan, and an ache. What does that mean? What does that make? Can I remember any time before now?

I still feel the same, inside this old frame. I still feel like the young girl who ventured out into the world. I still feel like the eighteen year old, learning to drive, the twenty four year old, moving out of home, the twenty nine year old, falling in love, the thirty nine year old looking out through these eyes, the forty nine year old, wining at life. I still feel the same deep down in my soul, if any of us have souls, that I always have? I still feel like the girl I have always been.

It is just my refection that doesn’t add up any more. And what I feel when I try to spring up off the floor.

Old age, it should be illegal.

On 01 Sept 2010, at 7:56 PM

Denise James <DeniseJames787@gmail.com> wrote:

Dinner in the oven Chicken drumlets and vegetable cheese bake . All is ok .

This is my email Address from now on .

Denise

01.09.2010

New Email Address

Dumplings for dinner, Sammy is cooking. All is okay here.

My email address is the same.

Joan

On 3 Sep 2010, at 5:24 PM

Denise James <DeniseJames787@gmail.com> wrote:

Hi , i have no interest in talking to you , however you have my address and gifts need to posted now in order for them to arrive in time . I shall keep an eye on the postbox . PLEASE , do not send stale lemonade scones , one can only bear it ,I mean live it it up with so many people once in ones life , on your 50th . I think you have an upcoming birthday soon . Happy Birthday Joan . According to Ancestry.com , you were born in 1951 and it shows . I , as it turns out am 3 years younger than Kate , which means she turned 40 this year . So , just spoil me I think .

Hurtling towards 40 is not an easy thing Luv as I am sure you have long forgotten.

many happy returns .

Denise

On Sat, Sep 3, 2010 at 5:41 PM

Joan Withers <JoanWithers00@gmail.com> wrote:

The only way you’d be hurtling towards 40, luv, was if you drove your car at a speed sign. As it turns out, I was born in 1971, right along with microprocessor Integrates CPU Function onto a Single Chip, and the reincarnation of Coco Chanel, a true woman of the modern age. Since we now follow the Amish tradition the only gift we could possibly manage would be lemonade scones, or a lovely line in aprons. It seems only fair, if I remember rightly you turn 55 any day now. Happy birthday, luv. Let me know where to send them. Three years younger than Kate? Weren’t you midwife at her birth?

My birthday is not for a week.

How long have I known you?

Joan

On 3 Sep 2010, at 6:10 PM

Denise James <DeniseJames787@gmail.com> wrote:

It is no surprise to me , that you admit freely that today that you are mostly machine these days , being moments away from 70 . As for Coco darl as close as you are ever likely to get is if Sammy serves you a mug of it in a soup bowl at bed time . Pats you on the head and says nighty , nighty you old cunt , and you are most likely to be wearing one , as he calculates what you are worth , well , dead .As for for following Amish tradition , goodness knows is goes beyond yourself . I know it very well after my last and particularly unfortunate , as always , meeting with the Octogenarian Peta Wellington and her toyboy who still thinks he is a toyboy , but really , that was 30 years ago , Shawn .Modern Man ? Grow an Amish beard , as your Bible requires for all Men and forbids the consumption of Pork .

No i was not mid-wife . I was not BORN YET.

Denise

On Sat, Sep 3, 2010 at 6:16 PM

Joan Withers <JoanWithers00@gmail.com> wrote:

Mother Teresa has just been sainted, I’ll be next

Luv, in 1972, you were 25.

Joan

On 3 Sep 2010, at 6:21 PM

Denise James <DeniseJames787@gmail.com> wrote:

you forgot to add the two numbers together , 2+5 = 7 years old.

Denise

Date: 3/09/2010 6:28 PM (GMT+10:00)

From: Joan Withers <JoanWithers00@gmail.com>

To: Denise James <DeniseJames787@gmail.com>

Subject: Re: Denise's Birthday 18SEPT 2010

I forget nothing

Joan

On 3 Sep 2010, at 6:32 PM

DeniseJames787 <DeniseJames787@gmail.com> wrote:

It just so unfortunate for you bunch of tragidies that , niether do I . As for Beatification , the only miracle associated with the likes of you is that you ate still alive.

Denise

On Sat, Sep 3, 2010 at 7:40 PM

Joan Withers <JoanWithers00@gmail.com> wrote:

You wrote 'ate'

Joan

On Sat, Sep 3, 2010 at 8:14 PM

Denise James <DeniseJames787@gmail.com> wrote:

I very rarely text .

The word is ‘are’. Clear now? You old fool.

Denise

On 3 Sep 2010, at 8:15 PM

Denise James <DeniseJames787@gmail.com> wrote:

Re: Denise's Birthday 18SEPT 2010

Sleep well , enjoy your Cocoa .

Denise

03.09.2010, 9.19pm

Re: Denise's Birthday 18SEPT 2010

Yes, indeed. Sweet dreams, luv

Joan

On 3 Sep 2010 9:20 PM,

"Joan Withers" <JoanWithers00@gmail.com> wrote:

I’m not surprised you are in bed already... at your age

Joan

On 4 Sep 2010, at 5:43 AM

Denise James <DeniseJames787@gmail.com> wrote:

I wake at 5am to let Tim out , so i tend to retire early . My mirror always tells me that I am indeed "The most beautiful one of all" because of it . I guess you dont bother to look in the mirror any longer , replacing a shattered mirror on a daily basis , must have cost you a fortune by now .

Denise

Date: 4/09/2010 5:45 AM (GMT+10:00)

From: Joan Withers <JoanWithers00@gmail.com>

To: Denise James <DeniseJames787@gmail.com>

Subject: Re: Denise's Birthday 18SEPT 2010

Don’t even glance into that looking glass, darl.

Joan

On 4 Sep 2010, at 5:51 AM,

DeniseaJames787 <DeniseJames787@gmail.com> wrote:

I bet you don’t. There has been a little fall of rain early this morning , however fortunately my smoking spot is still dry . I amabout to go outside . Been awake all night again have we?

Denise

Date: 4/09/2010 5:55 AM (GMT+10:00)

From: Joan Withers <JoanWithers00@gmail.com>

To: Denise James <DeniseJames787@gmail.com>

Subject: Re: Denise's Birthday 18SEPT 2010

I just got up, just now. I just had a joint in the back yard in the dark, waiting for the Apex Gang to turn up.

How is Tim?

Joan

04.09.2010, 6.11am

Re: Denise's Birthday 18SEPT 2010

No doubt you are on to your 2nd sherry by 6am

Joan

On 4 Sep 2010, at 6:12 AM,

DeniseaJames787 <DeniseJames787@gmail.com> wrote:

Apparently , the majority of that lot are black Africans , it's just an observation by the way . The sand belt is more likely to experience crime . Since you are stoned and it is dark ,however, get inside i say . What is so wrong with a cup of coffee , like i am enjoying.

Denise

04.09.2010, 6.13am

Re: Denise's Birthday 18SEPT 2010

Just poured my second cuppa

Joan

4/09/2010 6:18 AM

From: DeniseJames787 <DeniseJames787@gmail.com>

Date: 4/09/2010 6:18 AM (GMT+10:00)

To: DeniseJames787 <DeniseJames787@gmail.com>

Cc: Denisejames787@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Denise's Birthday 18SEPT 2010

Please . If you are stupid enough to take drugs , don't transfer you guilt onto me. Tim is fine 4 months here now . 3 of hell and a somwhat expensive time, but finally he is enjoying being a pet and no longer has expectations of having to run for his dinner . I have always adored him and vice versa , but it has been a ttrial.

Denise

04.09.2010, 11.52pm