People say I have this charmed life, all the time I feel like I never really fulfilled my potential.
People think I have a wonderful thing going on, all the time I feel a bit like a failure.
I have met a new lover and my friends have said it to him, Josh's charmed life. I never know what to say, as it seems so far from my reality, so different to how I feel inside.
Everybody wants to be me. Apparently.
Funny, I always think. Why set the benchmark so low?
Looking back over this...sometime later
The irony is everyone wants to be me, but me. Oh, I don't mean in a big and scary way, but don't we always want to be someone else or, at least, have someone else's life or, at least, some aspects of someone else's life? There is always someone who looks as though they are having a better life? Huh?
Having said that, I am pretty happy with mine. No complains. Well, no one cares anyway, they are too busy worrying about their own lives.
“You had great parents.”
“I think so, but didn’t everyone.”
“No. And you felt you had great parents?”
“Yes.”
“There you go, you are ahead of so many other people.”
“Oh, come on, lots of people have great parents, that doesn’t make me any more special than the next guy.”
“They were educated.”
“Yes, they were teachers.”
“And they had money.”
“No more than anyone else.”
“How many houses did they own?”
“Five.”
They stopped momentarily and held each other’s gaze.
“You have never had any great tragedy in your life?”
“My dad died.”
“But he wasn’t young?”
“He still died.”
“But you weren’t a child.”
“Relatively.”
“You were grown up?”
“I guess.”
“You’d finished uni and had your own life?”
“Yes.”
“You weren’t dependent on him financially?”
“No.”
He tilted his head sideways, I am guessing for effect. And raised his eyebrows.
“You’re smart.”
“Oh, no smarter than…”
“What’s your IQ?
“140.”
“You are handsome?”
“Well, that’s not something I see.”
“Maybe not directly, but it benefits you?”
“I don’t think I have ever thought that.”
“Come on?”
“No, seriously.”
They both smiled at the same time, probably for slightly different reasons.
“You are a nice guy, you travel through the world comfortably, you make friends easily, you are comfortable in social situations.”
“I’m shy, I am nervous around people I don’t know, I’m not at all sure I make friends easily, I find social situations stressful.”
“But not debilitating?”
“No.”
“And people tend to like you?”
“No more than anyone else.”
“You’re athletic.”
“Oh, I don’t know about...”
“You are.”
“I guess.”
“You’ve always had a girlfriend.”
“Ah? Um?”
“No, you have always had a girlfriend. Yes?”
“Yes.”
“And you have had great girlfriends.”
“So why have I broken up with them.”
“You’ve broken up with them, if I remember rightly.”
“Have you ever rented?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been unemployed?”
“I have been jobless.”
“Have you ever been jobless when it wasn’t your choice?”
“Ah…”
“You haven’t.”
“No.”
“You play the piano?”
“Yes.”
“You sing?”
“Yes.”
“How many languages do you speak?”
“Only one fluently.”
“How many languages can you speak?”
“Three.”
“Jacob, I return to my first premiss.”
“Which is what?”
“You know perfectly well.”
“I do.”
“And you are modest?”
“Not that I think that has got me anywhere.”
“It has.”
“It has?”
“Girls like you.”
“Because I am modest?”
“Yes.”
“Who knew.”
“You did.”
“I had no idea.”
“Seriously? Jacob?”
“What?”
“What is that saying about false modesty?”
“It is worse than arrogance?”
“I hope you can see the irony.”
“No, I can’t.”
“Seriously, underneath all of that, you really are a monster.”
They both laughed.
“I think I lack confidence.”
“We all lack confidence, that is the human condition.”
“Yeah, but I find it debilitating.”
“Really? When?”
“What do you mean?”
“Exactly what I said?”
“You want dates? And times?”
“Yeah, sure, if that is what it will take?”
“I um…”
“Yes?”
There was silence between them.
“It makes me anxious.”
“It makes everyone anxious.”
“My mouth goes dry.”
“But that’s not debilitated, that’s a dry mouth.”
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