Another Day

Wasting my life with another day in front of my computer. I should really look at this, my computer addiction. 

Nah, there is always tomorrow.

Ha ha.

So, how badly do I want to do something about it? Nyr? I don’t know. It would just be nice to be more successful, but is that my computer addiction, or is that just me? My self confidence destroyed by my poisonous 6th grade teacher Arthur Batson. Every day we went into battle, he’d belittle me and tell me I was no good. I would always get the better of him, which I think fuelled his anger at me. The point here is that I was an 11 year old boy and he was an adult.

What with? Oh, I don’t know, for being a lousy teacher… and for being a miserable old cunt. Whatever? Don’t we have legal professionals for that sort of thing?

My old school even named a building after him, more recently. The Arthur Batson memorial whatever. Reprehensible! I’m sure I couldn’t have been the miserable old closet case’s only victim.

If I had, actually, been writing something, it would be okay, spend as much time in front of your computer as you like, I tell myself. But, when I want to write, and I think right before I start I’ll just check the news to see what is going on in the world, and hours later I am looking at French Provincial chairs, you know it’s not working.

I think I should, of course I do? Spend less time glued to my screen. I think it would probably be good for me if I did? Again, of course. But? Isn’t that what all addicts say, certainly initially? When questioned, or when self checking… denying.

What is it they say about addiction? That addictions don’t really exist. Addictions, or what we call addictions, are really just unchecked bad behaviour. Because if we had a true addiction, we could never give it up. And we give up, what we call, addictions, every day.

So, we have to give up being addicted to our addiction first, before we can give up our addiction.

I don’t know if that is, actually, true? But it is interesting to think about.

I don’t want to change my bad behaviour, because really, I like it, it gives me satisfaction, you know. 

I, probably know I should, but… 

What the hell did we used to do with our lives when we didn’t have screens? How did we fill our day? I can’t remember now, it has been so long.

I used to sit at my desk in my bedroom and daydream. I used to write plays for people who lived in apartment buildings, soap opera style. I used to design cars. I used to design houses. I used to take houses and renovate them. I'd draw out floor plans, before and after. I used to write stories. I used to write poems. I still have all the poems. I’m not sure why I don’t have the stories anymore, but I don’t. I think the poems were small and easy to keep in a folder, where the stories were written on old pads that just kind of got lost and discarded over time. I used to make up stories about being a rockstar. I made up brothers, and spouses and children and movies and record names, and label names. All of that, for some reason, I managed to hang onto, I think because I used to think it was, in a sense, a bit weird and I kept it hidden fearing people would think I was weird. I still have all of that to this day. In fact, a number of years ago when I had time off work and a big bag of pot, I transcribed all of it into a word file. I used to make up the names for plays. I used to write, I guess you’d call them, synopsis for those plays. I used to write dialogue for two voices.

When I was at school, I’d do anything but school work. My fantasies were much more appealing. And, I guess, they could never really be wrong.

I’ll just have a quick look at the history of the Renault 4, then I will write something, I promise, myself, I am promising myself. I’ll get right down to it and write something spectacular, you wait. It will be great.

You’ll see, I’m going to be a bloody great success, Sadie Shelton. I am, if only I could concentrate long enough to write my masterpiece. The problem is that there are so many distractions. Everything is trying to pull me away from my main focus. Everything. Absolutely everything. The world is now designed that way.

Me? No, I don’t think it is me?

Well, I guess, it has to be me in some small way, of course.

Very small… way.

It is everything else, can’t you see that. The whole world is against us. 

Totally!

Against us.

No, it is.

I’m surprised you can’t see that.

Not even a bit? 

Really?

I am surprised.

Really.

Really!

I’m just going to open a new document, clean and fresh. I am going to make a fresh start, that is clearly what I need to do. A fresh start. Just open a new document, and start again. Something new. That’s it. That’s what I need to do. Open a new document. I'm opening it now.

Start at the top.

Something new.

Start a fresh.

A blank page.

A fresh blank page.

Here we go.

Starting now.

I’m going to write something.

It is going to be great.

You wait.

It is going to be great.

Fresh and new.

The likes of which no one has ever seen before.

Even if I do say so myself.

Here we go.

Perhaps a coffee would help. I’ll get a coffee. And perhaps a piece of cake. That carrot cake, I made this morning, when I couldn’t think of anything to write.

I’ll get a piece of that.

Get me in the mood.

Of course, I was going to ice it. It would be nice with some icing. Cream cheese icing. I’d have to go and get cream cheese. That wouldn’t take long. I’d just have to duck down to the supermarket. Quick as a flash.

Now, where did I put my car keys?

So, that only took an hour, no bad really. I told you it wouldn't take anytime. But, now I have this cake and a pot of tea, perhaps I might just watch a movie, you know, for inspiration and it will get me in the mood. Get my creative juices flowing, as they say. 

Oh, yes, I think that is perhaps a good idea.

Now, what movie will I watch?

I guess I can look at the movie program online?

I should just clean the icing bowl and spatula before it attracts ants.

Then I’ll check the movie guide.