Josh, You Have So Many Friends

 People say I have lots of friends.

"Oh Josh, you have so many friends."

I feel like I have got few. I feel like I'm losing them at a fast rate. So many. So many cool people, missed once they are gone.

The trouble is that I like my own company too much. No, I do, how else am I going to get intelligent conversation?

I'm not really sure I "get" this life any more. I've had great loves and great relationships, but now mostly I feel lonely. Is there more to understand? Is it just a secret that I haven't been let in on yet? Or do I have to do all of this all over again? Did I think I'd done it, only to discover that I'm only half way there?

I day dream about suicide, well, not so much day dream, no, but sometimes when I hear about it, I find myself thinking they are the lucky ones, you know, before I catch myself. I find empathy welling up. If there was a palatable way of doing it, I might just give it a go. Of course, I probably wouldn't, tomorrow may just be the best day of your life, and all that, but I'm sure it can't be healthy to be thinking about it.

There would be a certain freedom. A one ticket shot at it though, hey?

Still, I don't know why we don't have euthanasia laws, you know, for the bored and the tired. Why do you have to be terminally ill and in pain? It's not like we are short of human beings. Why is it anybody’s business? Because they don't want you to do it to them. Bugger you, Jack! Just don't make them feel pain, take this you’ll be okay... and then we’ll be okay too.

"Last thing I remember, I was running for the door

I had to find the passage back to the place I was before

'Relax,' said the night man, 'We are programmed to receive.

You can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave!"

Ah, this thing called life? What does it mean? Just when, from all outwardly signs, I look as though I have it sorted, nice house, good job, money in the bank, I'm mostly left feeling there must be something more.

Funny thing, I got the first part done, did well even, but am I going to be left feeling the elusive 'something more' for the rest of my life? Am I?

Let’s face it, the first part is easy, in your 20s, with all that enthusiasm for the new things you are discovering, driven by indefatigable amounts of testosterone. The whole world opens up with infinite possibilities, and you have the drive to fucken kill it all. Take it by the horns and smash it. You are the discus player in your own narrative.

Life is an open book and Josh, you have so many friends, is true.

But, pretty soon the pages are yellowing, just around the edges. Your 30s roll around, and life is great. You’ve sorted what you want to do in life, or more to the point, it has sorted you. But what the hell, it’s given you money in the bank. You look great, and you feel great. Somehow, you have grown into your quirky looks and people notice you when you enter a room. It’s true, you have a possie of friends. Close mates, comrades, party friends, fuck buddies. People want to be with you and they want to have you. And you indulge all of it. You’ve loved a few, you have fucked a lot. Wine, sex and song.

But, then your best mate starts to struggle.

One of your good friends unexpectedly dies. Cancer. Another you never saw coming, unexpectedly chucks a rope over a tree branch.

A couple of people move interstate, or overseas.

Another friend’s new partner whisks them away.

Your 40s lurch into view and your circle has diminished.

And all that partying you’ve done, has lost it allure. Finally. And if you don’t have a nose full of powder and your dick out in a dark room how are you supposed to make new friends? Seriously, I ask you? If the lights aren’t flashing, and the music isn’t pumping, and you haven’t got you tongue down some chick’s throat, and your fingers inside her panties, how are you supposed to replenish your friendship circle? Seriously?

It all just suddenly gets a little harder.

Josh, you have so many friends, I think my mum was the first person to say that to me, when I was having a bad day. Other people have repeated it after her.

And then there you are, your 40s.

You’ve learned that just working hard for a company doesn’t get you rewards. You know, if you haven’t licked the right taint along the way, working hard doesn’t always cut it.

You’ve learned that, no, friends aren’t forever. Life long friends are as rare as hen’s teeth, as my grandmother used to say – that’s the grandmother that made money from property development right up until she was 92, and not the grandmother who took to the brandy bottle for the rest of her life when her husband, my grandfather, died young and left her heart broken at 50.

You’ve learned that members of the human race aren’t looking out for each other in life, and, in fact, the opposite may well be true.

You’ve learned that the good die young, may well, in fact, be fucking true, which, of course, leaves you wondering about you?

Josh, you have so many friends, rings in your ears, when you look around at 50 and wonder where they all went.