Stressed

I have a sense of anxiety with everything I do. It's like I'm perpetually sneaking about. Being where I shouldn't be. Doing what I shouldn’t be doing. I can pull myself up, and stop, and even feel it, a nervousness pulsing through me. It’s more like a buzz, actually, a cellular thing, bzzzzzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzzz…

I never used to feel that. No, I did not. I’m not even sure when it started. Sometime as an adult. I never felt it as a kid, no, I did not. Being a kid was free and easy and calm with always a bright day on the horizon. I don’t know when that changed? I guess when adult things happened to me, getting retrenched, told I’m shit, had my heart broken. You know, adult things. 

I seem to have lost my inner calm. Perhaps, I am just shit as an adult? There is a good chance?

What would I call it? Imposter Syndrome, except I think there is already a condition called that – oh, wait, blah, blah, blah, blah, amongst high achieving individuals. Don’t make me laugh, that’s definitely not me. The only high achievement I’ve managed was on a couple of e’s on a Saturday night.

Weirdly, I have never doubted my intellect. I have an IQ of 140 – my mother had me tested, and then someone I knew who did IQ tests tested me again, and 140 again. I’ve always been smart, I know that, but have always question how it has done me any good.

But I would call this new syndrome self doubt, but more self doubt about place and action. Should I be doing this? Is this the right time to do this? Is this the right action?

But, it is not so much a mental affliction, but a physical one. And, in fact, I may even argue that it is the conflict between the two. My head tells me what to do, but my physical well being casts doubt over it. 

Does that make sense? Oh, I guess not, what makes sense in this world anyway? What makes sense? Really, what?

Does being an adult make sense? Being a kid makes more sense, everything is new, everything sparkles, tomorrow is going to be even better.

Adulthood sucks. Cholesterol, blood pressure, obesity. Stress, Anxiety, Responsibility. Too old to be cool, too old to be sexy, too old to stay out late.