Stressed

I have a sense of anxiety with everything I do. It's like I'm perpetually sneaking about. Being where I shouldn't be. Doing what I shouldn’t be doing. I can pull myself up, and stop, and even feel it, a nervousness pulsing through me. It’s more like a buzz, actually, a cellular thing, bzzzzzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzzz…

I never used to feel that. No, I did not. I’m not even sure when it started. Sometime as an adult. I never felt it as a kid, no, I did not. Being a kid was free and easy and calm with always a bright day on the horizon. I don’t know when that changed? I guess when adult things happened to me, getting retrenched, told I’m shit, had my heart broken. You know, adult things. 

I seem to have lost my inner calm. Perhaps, I am just shit as an adult? There is a good chance?

What would I call it? Imposter Syndrome, except I think there is already a condition called that – oh, wait, blah, blah, blah, blah, amongst high achieving individuals. Don’t make me laugh, that’s definitely not me. The only high achievement I’ve managed was on a couple of e’s on a Saturday night.

Weirdly, I have never doubted my intellect. I have an IQ of 140 – my mother had me tested, and then someone I knew who did IQ tests tested me again, and 140 again. I’ve always been smart, I know that, but have always questioned how it has done me any good.

But I would call this new syndrome self doubt, but more self doubt about place and action. Should I be doing this? Is this the right time to do this? Is this the right action? I’ve often had that sense that I’m going to get found out? Eventually. It’s kind of a non-specific kind of getting found out. It is just a general sense of it. One day, they will find me out. What is that about? Oh, it’s not an all pervasive kind of thing, just a feeling, at the edges, that I often feel.

The self doubt, it is not so much a mental affliction, but a physical one. And, in fact, I may even argue that it is the conflict between the two. My head tells me what to do, but my physical well being casts doubt over it, and I feel it in a bodily manifestation. 

Does any of that make sense? Oh, I guess not, what makes sense in this world anyway? What makes sense? Really, what?

Does being an adult make sense? Being a kid makes more sense, everything is new, everything sparkles, tomorrow is going to be even better, I can’t wait to discover the next thing.

Adulthood sucks. Cholesterol, blood pressure, obesity. Stress, Anxiety, Responsibility. Too old to be cool, too old to be sexy, too old to stay out late. No longer one of the cool kids, like you enjoyed for so long. The music has all changed. The clothes they are wearing are a mystery to me. Dear god, it is only 10 years later? What the hell happened? I’m not ready to be an adult. I’m not at all sure I am any good at it.

“Hey Gus, how are you?”

“Why, what have you heard?”

“Nothing, should I have heard something,” says Roy. “I was just asking how you were?”

“Oh, you know, never enough hours in the day, I never get to the end of the list of things I need to do? What happened to my youth?”

“Good to hear you are doing okay?”

“Oh Roy, thank the universe for you, you always put a smile on my face,” says Gus. “How are you?”

“Me? Run off my feet. Far too much to do. I’m always busy, never enough time for a break. I’m not sure how I am going to get through everything I have to do.”

“Good to hear everything is okay with you.”

“What can you do?”

“What can you do?”

“You know, the other day I saw a guy wearing a t-shirt with the words, Shhhhh…. Nobody cares. I asked him where I could get one.”

“Can you get one for me too?”

“I find that all I am doing is complaining about my lot.”

“You and me both.”

“I think that t-shirt is the perfect antidote for what ails you.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

“I might get two.”

“Oh my god, you make me laugh.”

“It’s the best medicine for what ails ya.”

“Shall we have a breakdown together to celebrate?”

“Let’s.”

"Fuck the world!"

"Fuck the world!"

“Fuck responsibility!”

“Fuck the bullshit!”

“Fuck being an adult!”

“Fuck everything!”

“Fuck it all!”

“OMG! I think I am going to cum!”

“Steady on, Tiger.”