The Queensland Floods

The only trouble with the Queensland floods was there wasn't enough water. The job didn't get finished.

Ha ha, he he! 

Is this just a mean old smarty pants Victorian joke at the expense of our northern cousins? All of us waiting for that twangy accent to fire up in protest. 

Yep, I guess it is. Ha ha, he he. 

It's like being mean to your country cousins, the ones with the crossed eyes and the 6 fingers on one hand, which is always fun. More fun than flash cards. More fun than drugs. (okay, we can’t all agree on that one) More fun than leading old ladies halfway across roads, turning your back and waiting for the screech of brakes and the thud. WooHoo! More fun than denouncing Jesus in front of Madge Vickers-Waffle and watching her stammer and clutch at her pearls and finger her bible, rabidly.

More fun than a box of monkeys, or a room full of puppies. More fun than… oh, so much fun one can have keeping one’s clothes on.

The Mexicans laugh uproariously.

The rednecks cry pitifully.

Oh, I know, we shouldn’t be mean to our northern cousins, they have to spend far too much time in the sun.

They think we are insulted by being called Mexicans, but, of course, we’re not. We’re not quite so bigoted, nor as racist, as our northern ‘brethren’ so we embrace the title, anything that differentiates us from them is okay with us.

And, of course, we don’t actually want anything bad to happen to them of course we don’t, so we send our firefighters and our burly guys who get off on such work, because we grow them as big and as burly as anything that can be grown up north.

Of course, we have to send help, those barely open mouthed accents, we’d here the whining from down here, if we didn't.

Ah Queensland. Beautiful one minute. Under water the next.

“Ah, you know, Beryl, glug, glug, glug. It’s terrible.”

“Arthur wanted to move up there last year for his arthritis.”

“His arthritis?”

“Apparently, the warmth is good for it.”

“Oh, I see.”

“I said Arthur, it is an awfully long way to go just to get some relief for your arthritis.”

“You’d sell up and move the whole kit and kaboodle up beyond NSW?”

“Oh yes, Marjorie, we’d have to sell up, we’re not fucken millionaires, you know darl.”

“It’s a big move, Beryl.”

“I know, Marj, that’s what I said to Arthur. It’s a big move. It is a long way to go chasing the sun for a little arthritic relief. Arthur said to me that I used to be his arthritic relief.” Chuckle.”

“Oh Beryl, you are terrible.”

“But not since that incident with the goat.”

“Oh yes, the goat, nasty business.”

“And what happens if we don’t like it?”

“Indeed Beryl, what if?”

“I guess we could always come back…”

“But once you’ve sold up…”

“I know, once we’ve sold up, coming back again would be such a kerfuffle.”

“Oh, wouldn’t it Beryl.”

“Leaving all of my friends, who I’ve known for a life time would be a wrench.”

“I don’t think you realise how much of a wrench it would be.”

“That’s what I said to Arthur, we’ve lived down here all our lives, everything is down here, the kids, our history. I’m just not sure how I would go.”

“How would you go, Beryl?”

“I just don’t know, I really don’t. It’s not like we can try before we buy first, very easily.”

“It is a long way to go.”

“That is what we decided in the end, it is a long way to go leaving everyone behind.”

“I think you made the right choice, Beryl.”

“We decided to wait twelve months and see how we felt then.”

“Oh, is that what you decided, Beryl?”

“Arthur said he’d go and see Doc Brown and see what pills are now available.”

“Oh yes, modern medicine is a wonderous thing.”

“Anyway, just think, if we had gone, I might be up to my neck in water now.”

“Up to your neck in water?”

“And nobody wants that.”

“Nobody, Beryl, nobody.”

I don’t want to spent my twilight years treading water.”

“Oh Beryl, you make me laugh. I’d miss you if you moved up there.”

“I’d miss you too, Marj.”