Friday 27 August 2010

I'm Semi Interested In People

I'm semi interested in people, you know, as long as they don't interfere with my life too much, do their own thing, don't whine or gossip, or bore my pants off, I’m okay with them. Humans are interesting, in a self-focused, selfish kind, poke them and see kind of way. Cats and humans are alike, it's why some humans don't like their feline friends all that much, too alike.

Maybe, they'd make good pets? You know, a couple of throw humans for the end of the bed. 

"I can't sleep, entertain me." You know, the pretty ones. Go on, get on with it. Don’t be shy. Oh, don’t make me have to show you, surely your natural juices, your propensity to show of? Pheromones, hormones, just lick it and see. How else do any of you shag? It isn’t rocket science. Come on, I’m waiting.

The plain ones could still cook & clean, or take the rubbish out. Sort out your emails. I don’t know, what else did you used to get your mum to do?

I could teach them to say lines like a cocky, or stand like a statue. Or, maybe, I could just watch them wrestle on a mat, or make them sit up on their hind legs and catch chocolate in their mouths. Clap their hands and honk like a seal?

Of course, there would be a favourite, which, I guess, would get him into fights with the others. But, it can only toughen him up, which can't be a bad thing. You know, Rocky is my favourite.

The charismatic one, with big hands, who looks good on all fours.

You know how life works?

So may of them are worth a giggle and a point. And if they can take directions, all the better.

 

Friday 20 August 2010





I Meant To Give Up Smoking When I Was Thirty

I'm an addict to the "tines" – nicotine, caffeine... Saltine, ha, ha.

I meant to give up smoking when I was thirty. Then it was forty. The next one doesn't bare thinking about, even if it is eons off yet.

Gotta put in some effort.

As for the caffeine, 6 cups a day, but I don't drink them all. Mostly, half goes cold and I go to make another.

Woo-hoo! Woop! Woop! Woop! Coffee wakes you up.

Give them a go, kids, coffee, cigarettes, crackers, you never know, you might just like them.

And on the Saltines, I suggest liverwurst.

Ah, and a sardine.


Monday 16 August 2010

Over Population

Call the world's problems what you like, but the reality is that it is over-population, the hardest problem to solve. Because you know, every bastard thinks it is their right to have a child, procreate, spit out a little Jimmy, or little Sally.

So, why do we pay a baby bonus? It's actually an anti-environment policy. It is counter to the times. Seriously, if some clod wants to have a kid, let them pay for it themselves, that’s what I say.

Why are the political parties using refugees as a political tool? When, in reality, we should be embracing the redistribution of the world’s population as an environmental issue. We now have plenty of people, we've just got to move them around, that is the reality.

Funny how there are no barriers when it comes to trade? Free Trade agreements should be used for the world’s population.

Wouldn’t it take the pressure off governments, for countries with low birth rates. You don’t have to produce them, just import them. Easy.

But people doggedly stick to the right to bear kids. It is everybody’s birth right, so those with kids say. They don’t want to consider environmental issues when they want to have a kid. If they want to contribute to the world’s over population, let them pay for it themselves, that’s what I say.


Monday 9 August 2010

The Real World

How many people don't live the lives they live in public, as they do in private? You know, those people say one thing, but act in another way in private. How common do you think this is? A conservative American politician is an anti abortion, but when his wife's life was threatened during pregnancy she, effectively, has an abortion to save her life. Homophobes? Racists. People who espouse monogamy, but have affairs on the side. People who espouse family values, but in private it’s a lie.

How many people pretend that the lives they live in public, match what they do in private. If we were all honest and admitted to our sexual proclivities, the world would be a less uptight place to live. There would be fewer scared people in the world.

If we were all honest, the world would be a happier place to live. There would be fewer scared people living in fear of being found out. So many more of us would be happy, not having to pour all of their energies into maintaining the charade.

It's funny what people think. It's weird what people think is important.


I like threesomes with my husband, with another man. He does too.

I like playing the field, the more girls the better.

I like seeing my husband with another man. Two guys are hot.

I like men when they crawl on top of me and dominate me.

I like piss. Drinking it down.

I like cum… all over me.

I hate cum on my skin.

I like being tied up.

I like being smacked… my safe word is magnolia.

I like smelly foreskins.

I like stinky cunts.

I like taking it up the arse.

I can’t orgasm unless I am punched.

I want my genitals to be stapled up my arse, after which I’m douched with my own blood.

I like dressing up in school uniforms.

I like running the city, and dressing up in a French maid’s outfit in the brothel being told I am a bad girl.

I like fucking the dead, it is the only way I can do what I want to do.

I like men to take a crap in their jocks.

I like a woman to piss her knickers.

I like construction workers.

I like nurses.

I like school teachers.

I like them young.

I can only fuck when I am off my face on drugs.

I like doing it in public.

I like being caught by a stranger.

I like old woman.

I like them to pretend that I am forcing them.

I like being raped, it is the only way I get turned on.

I want the whole football team to fuck me on the back line.

I want to fuck my son’s girlfriend.

I want to be fucked by my daughter’s guy.

I like big girls, with veins in their legs.

I like men with cocks as big as my arm.

I’m a chubby chaser, they have to be big boned.

I get turned on by anything that is taboo.


Thursday 5 August 2010

Wednesday 4 August 2010

Excuse Me!

People get very nervous if you walk around with your laces untied.

I take my shoes off at work, I have naturally hot feet, but they don't smell, oddly enough. So, if I want to head down stairs, naturally, I have to put my shoes back on. Sometimes, I just slip them on and head to the lift, leaving them untied on purpose. You know, just to see. 

Oh, I am just lazy, I’ve told you that before. Just slip them on. I always wear lace up shoes, never slipons. I hate the look of slipon shoes.

I don't really see what the problem is, I can walk around no problem with the laces flapping in the breeze. I don't know what neurosis is at work there, something from our dim, dark, hereditary past, but there is always someone, with a furrowed brow and a nervous look, who points and nudges and says, 

"Excuse me, your laces are undone." Nervously. Often more than one person. Sometimes they line up. 

Occasionally there is a chorus. "Excuse me?" "Excuse me?" "Excuse me?"

Such childhood trauma, I think as I saunter past, seemingly oblivious.

Occasionally, one will chase me, tap me on the shoulder, make me see the danger to my life and limb that I am clearly missing.

That always makes me chuckle.