What I'd buy him, when he was born? My kid.
A warehouse, a website and a Wolseley 6/110. (Could be a P5B Rover V8 Coupe. A 1967 Humber Super Snipe. A Triumph 2.5PI, The grand old dames of British motoring)
First, a warehouse so he gets to keep all the things from his childhood. Don't you remember all the things to which it was said, “No,” because… “You are too young? Don't be ridiculous.” I'm sure we all have them. They never go away.
Mine would have a black 1935 Plymouth, promised to me in Mildura, on family holidays on the mighty Murray River. A bronze 1938 Pontiac, from the bitch Aunties’ neighbour, all I had to do was go and pick it up. A Black 1955 Zephyr, my brother’s first car, I was still four years away from getting my licence. My top deck coloured 1965 VW Beetle, I just needed somewhere to keep it until I had the motor replaced, and repaired the body work. 1954 two tone green Hillman Californian, which I sold because its storage park was no longer available, and I had nowhere else. Oh, and the friend of my parents 1951 Hillman, it was in the back yard when David bought the house. He was always telling me it was mine. It was tan in colour.
I’ve always been into cars, from a toddler, so my mum tells me. But I have never had a garage, never lived in a house where storing sundry motor vehicles was an option, quite frustrating. Dedicated storage for life, that’s we need as babies.
A website. Isn't that the way of the world now, self promotion? Go to university. Start an online business, 1 billion views by the time he's finished uni. Instagram. Youtube. Become an influencer. Live on the income your website makes. Become famous for being famous. Earn millions for just being yourself. Sell it for an astronomical amount. Isn’t that the 21st century dream?
And a Wolseley, because you should always appreciate the past, how things once were. And a 6/110 is something nicer than the laptop we are otherwise glued too. Wooden trim. Leather seats. The smell of luxury.
Invest his private school tuition in shares, and send him to the best public school. A Trinity Grammar school education never did me any good. All the wrong advice. I got my year 12, second time around, at a public school, my one year of a free school that my mother promised she always wanted for me.
His grandmother dies and leaves him a block of flats in St Kilda. The lawyers got most of it by the time the family stopped fighting over it.
But then his great Aunt dies and leaves him a family home in Malvern, which he sells and buys a terrace house in Carlton.
(Well, that’s how it happened in my family. Isn't that how it happens in all families? They say it was the lesbian in her, she and I were very close. I was her favourite. You'd think I'd vote conservative, but I don't. Minimum live wage, free medical and free education. Welfare for anyone who wants it. Make the huge corporations pay the tax they are evading, pay for it all. They want the world to buy their stuff, they can support the world, it is a simple concept. They are my politics.)
Sam lives in Carlton, rent free, mortgage free. Finishes Uni. Sells the website for a billion dollars. Well, okay, if not a billion… exactly, how much is that anyway? Can anyone calculate a billion in their heads? Is it even a real number? Or just a concept that politicians and the rich talk about?
He'd gut the Wolseley, updating it to 2018 specs. Sleeper, just because he could. He'd marvel at the exhaust note. The low growl of the modern turbo charged V8. It's a modern world, you have to keep up.
He'd have a beautiful wife, Shannon, and a son, Ethan. (They say it goes boy girl, our family is due another queer boy. The last generation was a lesbian.) A terrace house. And a beach house, really a shack, up the coast, with sea views. He'd have made enough for a couple of houses, a classic Porsches, as their 'other cars', and million dollarss shares. (The money that wasn’t spent on a fancy education) Set for life
Bettye Lavette sings, Ain't No Sunshine.
My heart is full, Sam would say. (That is a rather obscure movie reference to a 1958 De Soto Firesweep. American cars were at their pinnacle in 1958)
They’d have a second child, that would go without saying, quickly after the first, another boy, Noah. Shannon would be keen to have children quickly, so she could get back to her career. She still wants to make partner in as close to normal time span as is possible. Babies don’t get to have their mothers any more.
They’d hire a French au pair, to teach the boys French.
Sam continues to be an on-line influencer. He makes a lot of money. Do you know the money those guys make? Not a job that can be taken over by robots, any time soon.
Ethan would grow up to be straight. Noah, would forever be Ethan’s gay little brother.
Sam and Shannon adopt a Cambodian girl, Chivy, when they are back packing around Asia the first big holiday they have, after becoming parents. They visited an orphanage. Shannon was insistent when she saw the conditions in which the children live. Chivy, which means life, Shannon was in tears.
The boys were still quite young, and they loved having a sister, right from the beginning. The have 2 au pairs, they move into a big, detached house in Carlton, that has staff quarters, just by chance. The year after Shannon made partner. Shannon is super woman. She joins boards and gives talks to woman about how they really can have it all.
Sam has a warehouse full of stuff. He has set aside space for Ethan, Noah and Chivy. Sam is the stay home father.
The Wolseley has had a full electric conversion. It’s now one of the fastest cars on the road.
The truth is that Sam would probably fuck one of the au pairs. He and Shannon would have an acrimonious divorce. He gets the house in Torquay, she gets the house in Carlton. He would have the kids every other weekend. And we have a completely different “Set for Life.”
But, let’s say that didn’t happen. Sam turns out to be one of the good guys after all. Yay. Yeah, sure, there had been those two occasions, conferences interstate, she had legs up to her… Sam had too many wines, she saw something she liked. It was a once off thing, it meant nothing. And then there was that second conference, he swears to this day he didn’t know she was going to be there. Sam stopped going to conferences. But that was all, other than that, Sam only ever had eyes for Shannon, and she for him.
The kids grow up. Go to uni.
Shannon becomes Special Council at a tier one law firm, working 3 days per week. She job shares with another former partner winding down. She still earns three time the average wage.
Sam sells his online business. He invests in property after the great property slump of 2019. He buys a warehouse complex cheap, enough room to store the entire family’s dreams. He thinks he might write novels. He has been a veracious reader all of his life. He has a warehouse with all the books stored in it.
Ethan becomes an architect. Noah becomes a poet with A PHD in creative writing. Chivy follows her mother into law. She becomes a partner of her law firm at the extraordinary age of 26.
Ethan builds luxury homes all reminiscent of the house in which he grew up. Noah becomes semi famous when some of his funny love poems go viral on the internet. His books of poetry sell out. He becomes a best selling author at a young age. Chivy always has the drive to get to the top.
