Bunny Lends A Hand

The phone rang. Bunny grabbed a hand towel and dried her hands before she picked it up. She glanced at the clock as she did.

“Shi Shi has been kidnapped!” was the wail that met Bunny as she held the phone to her ear.

“Felix?”

“My little pooky has been stolen from out of under my nose.”

“Your dog?”

“I put her in her kennel this afternoon and now she is gone.” Felix broken down blubbering.

“Well… darling… that is terrible. Really terrible,” said Bunny. “What are you going to do?”

“Christine has a lead. A red hatch back was seen here last night, Christine was in Jeremy Pierce’s car out in the street.”

“What was Christine doing in a car in the street in the middle of the night with Jeremy Pierce?”

“More likely what wasn’t Christine doing, it would take less time…”

“Felix!” said Bunny. “It doesn’t do you any favourites saying dirty things about people.”

“Well don’t ask.”

Bunny laughed. “I guess I did ask.”

“Well anyway, she looked up long enough to see a red hatchback, which takes us to Melbourne.”

“To Melbourne?”

“Yes.”

“Well, good luck.”

“Well, you see, we don’t have a car.”

“Oh… well… that’s okay, Felix, I will drive you.” What was she thinking? Shrug. It has been quiet around the house.

“Oh Nan, are you sure that isn’t too much?”

“Too much,” shrieked Bunny. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway thinking about you, pet.”

“We could just borrow your car.”

“Nonsense, I wouldn’t hear of it. Someone has to have your back, sweet heart.”

“Well, we’d like to go… um… soon… now, the sooner the better…”

“Oh, yes, rightio, of course, no time like the present. I’ll get the car out and I’ll meet you in the street.”

“Thanks Nan.”

Bunny was fully aware that Felix really just wanted her car, but she couldn’t send her young lamb into a big city on his own, even if that’s exactly what he wanted. Bunny was bored, things had been slow of late around the farm, a stealthy trip to Melbourne might just be the thing.

Bunny put the phone back on Aunt Ida’s desk. Funny, she still thought of it as Aunt Ida’s and yet she’d been dead over 30 years.

Bunny set off to the lounge room. She slid the frosted glass doors open. Carl was watching the giant TV, some replay of some sort, the volume was turned up loud. Foxtel, Smoxtel, Stan, Grant, who could keep up with the number of channels, all showing the same shit. Still, there was always a replay to watch.

“Dad!”

“What?”

“I’ve gotta go down to Melbourne…”

“What?”

“I’ve gotta go to Melbourne…”

“I can’t hear you.”

“The volume is too loud.”

“The volume is too loud.”

“Ay?”

Bunny waved her hands in the air as if she gave up.

“Just a minute. Wait. Wait. Wait.” Carl picked up a black box and pointed it at the TV. “I can’t hear a word you are saying woman.”

“I’ve been roped in by Felix and Blake to go to Melbourne to find out what happened to Blake’s Chihuahua. Shi Shi, which has been kidnapped by someone in a red hatchback, as reported by Christine who looked up long enough from Jeremy Pierce’s um… er… some part of Jeremy Pierce to see the dog being driven away. Christine, apparently, is going along to give moral support.”

“I can’t just let you two go with the old lady,” said Christine.

“Oh, really Wonder Woman,” said Felix. “How much muscle do you think you are bringing to the table.

“I’m sorry?” said Carl.

“I’ve been roped in by Felix…”

“No, no, I heard you,” said Carl. “I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing.”

“Melbourne and back.”

Carl looked perplexed. He exhaled as if all the words that had been forming in his mouth evaporated. “Rightio,” he said. “Your car is full of petrol.”

“You’re a dear, Carl,” said Bunny. “I don’t know why all those women say that Carl Robertson is a gruff old thing.”

Carl held Bunny’s gaze. “It is only my girl who I listened to, you know that.” His right arm rose up with the black plastic box in his hand, “If you need me, I’ll be here, Bun,” and the sound of the third quarter exploded into the room.

Bunny got her purse and her coat. She didn’t bother saying anything further to Carl, he was lost in his surround sound world. The moon was out, it shone down brightly across the front terrace. Bunny skipped down the stairs bathed in its light. She had butterflies in her stomach, but they seemed to be more of excitement than trepidation. She stepped across to the left hand side of the double garage (what happened with the doors, look at Bunny Saves the Day) to her trusty Humber.

Bunny put the key in the ignition and turned. The Super Snipe started with its usual reassuring burble. Bunny clicked on her seatbelt. She slipped the gear leaver to R. The car purred as it exited the garage. She pulled it around into the turning circle. She slipped the gear stick to D. She turned the steering wheel around to the right. She accelerated up the gravel drive way, some gravel spray out from the wheels as she went. Good thing Carl had the sound up loud, but, no doubt, he’d be out here with his rake before she got home cursing his lead foot wife. Bunny giggled.

It felt funny to be pulling out of the driveway and stopping again so soon. Blake and Felix had been holding hands until the beam from the headlights shone onto them, then they let go. Bunny saw it as clear as day, in the headlight beam. They all had on coats. Felix got in the front with Bunny, Christine and Blake got in the back.

“Hello, honey.”

“Nan, Blake, Christine.”

“Hi Mrs R.”

“So, how do you know who took your dog?”

“Well you see, Jeremy and I were in Jeremy’s Commodore, outside Felix and Blake’s…”

Felix coughed and nudged Christine.

“Blake… um, oh sorry…”

“Have you seen Jeremy tonight?” demanded Felix, suddenly agitated, Bunny had no idea why.

“Sure, babe.”

“Have you…” Felix raised two fingers halfway up his torso.

“Hon, do bears shit in the woods?” said Christine. “Felix lives just across the road from me, and down a bit, Mrs R., or at least, I live across the road… and up a bit. And while Jeremy had me pretty firmly pinned to the back seat. 

“Hey, hey, hey!” Felix and Blake said together.

“Okay, you two,” said Christine. “I could still see out of the very back of the quarter window, and what I saw looked like Big Cathy…”

“Jesus, who would you get that confused with,” said Blake.

“And while I wasn’t exactly in a position to be identifying makes and writing down number plates, hey, Mrs R…”

“You needed a phone,” said Bunny. “Couldn’t either you, or Jeremy have taken some picture…”

“Don’t even go there,” warned Felix.

“The car they were driving was a small red hatch back and I know for a fact that Big Cathy has a red Yarris, hey Mrs R.”

“Goodness, it sounds like she’d need a bigger car than that.”

“Nan!” said Felix.

“I hate her, she is an evil slag,” said Blake.

“So, we’re on our way to speak to Big Cathy about the dog?”

“Yes, Nan,” said Felix.

“Jeremy is big, I don’t know how big Felix is?” asked Christine to Blake in the back seat in a whisper. 

“Yeah, good,” said Blake.

“I mean, I thought I’d been fucked before…but the size of Jeremy Pierce’s cock…”

“Hey!” said Felix. He swipes his flat hand across his throat.

Bunny wondered if Christine was safe with Jeremy Pierce at all? He’d been in trouble all his life. Still Bunny could see it, Jeremy was a nice looking boy, he took after his father, Bobby, but would you trust your daughter with him?

Blake seemed a nice boy. But what really mattered was that Felix thought he was a nice boy. Clearly, Felix did. What a shame, Bunny thought, that the 2 boys felt like they had to hide ‘it’ from her. Bunny saw ‘it’ in her day, of course, but there seems to be an awful lot of 'it' around now a days. All of those men can’t just be making it up, that argument just didn’t make sense. She looked over at her grandson, he was a grown man.

“Right O, which one of you two knows the way?”

“The way to where, hon,” slurred Christine, slunk down in the back seat.

“You know what I am like with directions,” said Blake.

“What the fuck are we supposed to do?”

“Honey,” said Bunny.

“I’m sorry Nan, the language is inexcusable…”

Bunny laughed. Inexcusable. The young could be so proper. “It is not that…”

“But I have dragged you all the way out here…”

“Pet?”

“I know Nan, I’m sorry…”

“No, it is not that…”

“We’ll have to turn back.”

“My phone, in my purse, on the seat next to you. It has Tom Tom.”

“I don’t know how to use that,” said Felix. “Do either of you two…”

“I do,” said Bunny. “I know how to use it.”

Felix gazed back at her.

“My phone?”

Felix reached into her bag and pulled her phone out.

“There’s an app,” said Bunny. “Yes. Put the address in there. Yes. It will autofill. Yes. That is it. Push that.”

“Um… er,” said Felix.

“Have you got the red line?”

“I have the red line.”

“We follow the yellow brick road.”

“I thought we followed the red line?”

“It is the same thing.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Oh, darling.”

They parked up in the side street, of the corner that Big Kathy’s house was on. The Super Snipe burbled reassuringly to a stop.

“It’s the one on the corner with the white fence,” said Christine.

“There are no lights on,” said Bunny.

“What do we do?” said Felix.

“Jump the fence,” said Christine. “If the dog is there, grab her.”

“Let’s go,” said Felix to Blake. The 2 boys exploded from the car. They were both wearing black, Bunny wasn’t sure if that was the occasion, or if that was just Melbourne? They skipped across the road. They looked like black ninjas. 

They looked like 2 formidable men running toward danger, thought Bunny. They looked good together, she thought.

They skipped backwards and forwards along the side wall. Then Felix was giving Blake a leg up. Blake slid over the wall. Just moments later Blake was lying on top of the wall handing something to Felix. Blake came sliding back over the wall. Felix skipped from one foot to the other. The 2 boys turned towards the car and sprinted. Blake threw himself in the back, carrying something in his arms. Bunny tried to get a good look. Felix exploded into the car a second later. “Drive! Drive! Drive!”

“Oh… yes… rightio.” Bunny felt a rush of adrenaline. She reached for the key and turned it. The Super Snipe burst into life instantly. Bunny grabbed the gear stick sliding it to D, and let off the handbrake simultaneously, her hand came up from the handbrake and slapped on her right hand blinker, as her right foot pushed hard on the accelerator.

The Humber took off.

“Right here, right here,” Felix was shouting.

Bunny pulled hard down on the steering wheel and the Super Snipe swung around the corner squealing the wheels.

“Go Nan!” Felix shouted enthusiastically.”

“WooHoo!” squealed Blake.

“Yeah… perhaps, a little more low key, if you get what I mean, Mrs R,” said Christine craning through from the back seat.

“Have you all got your seatbelts on?” asked Bunny.

“Big Kathy stole Shi Shi, how else would Shi Shi get in Big Kathy’s back yard,” said Felix.

“You were right all along,” said Blake.

“I’m not one to say I told you so,” said Chrstine.

“My little pooky. Were you scardywardy?”

Bunny wasn’t sure she could drive all the way home to that… drivel, as Carl would call it. “Okay then, Blake, you got the dog back,” said Bunny. “So, Shi Shi is a permanent… um, name,” asked Bunny.

“Its French,” said Blake. “Haven’t you ever known a dog with a French name?”

“Oh darling, boys of my era had kelpies and cattle dogs,” said Bunny. “And I don’t recall any called Shi Shi.” She chuckled to herself. She could picture the other young men’s faces. Bobby and Ray and Jack with Digger and Brownie and Deefa.

Bunny insisted they go straight to the police. 

“Really,” said Felix. “We have Shi Shi back.”

“Oh no, darling, there has been a crime committed, we must report it,” said Bunny.

Bunny turned left at the main road and headed to the police station.

“So, why would this big Kathy steal Shi Shi, anyway,” asked Bunny.

“Oh, a sad life,” said Felix. “The Lardy family…”

“Is she Shayleen Lardy’s kid?” asked Bunny.

“Yes, her mum is Shayleen,” said Blake.

“Oh.” Bunny made tut tutting noises with her tongue.

They pull up outside the police station. “Come on then,” said Bunny. “Let’s go in.”

The police station was a rather dated affair, with lots of green Laminex on the counter and green linoleum on the floor.

A very handsome police officer came from out the back. “How can I help you?” They all spoke at once.

“My dog was stolen,” said Felix.

“Big Cathy stole it,” said Blake.

“I was a witness from a car parked across the road,” said Christine.

“Big Cathy has always had it in for me,” said Felix

“So, we went and stole her back,” said Blake

“Well not so much as stole as retrieved what was rightfully ours, er his,” said Christine.

“Surely that is not illegal,” said Felix

“Surely not, not when it is our, er, his dog,” said Blake.

“Big Cathy is a slag,” said Christine.

Then they were all staring at the police officer waiting for a response.

“This is Shi Shi,” said Felix He held the dog out to the police officer. “Officer.” Felix clearly battered his eye lids at the policeman. Blake elbowed him.

“Okay, um, so let me get this straight…”

“May I, Officer,” Bunny looked at the policeman’s badge, which said Constable Carl Bailey.  “Constable Bailey.” 

“Yes, please,” said Constable Bailey.

“My grandson Felix’s,” Bunny indicated who was Felix by a hand gesture, “dog was stolen late today, as witnessed by Christine.” Bunny held he hand out indicating Christine. “By one Kathy Lardy, a fellow class mate...” 

“Ex…” said Felix.

Bunny turned to Felix and raised her eyebrows. “Ex class mate, gran, none of us are in school any longer.”

“Yes, quiet.” She turned back to Constable Bailey. “A former class mate of Felix and Christine…”

“And Blake…”

Bunny turned back to Felix again. “Blake went to school with us too.”

“Oh really,” said Bunny. “Is that where you two boys met?”

“Yes,” said Felix. He blushed noticeably.

Bunny turned back to Constable Bailey. “An ex-class mate of all three.”

“I see,” said Constable Bailey.

“And being very concerned with the little…” Bunny turned to Shi Shi and visibly grimaced. “Creature’s welfare, you know, being a living thing and all, I’m afraid we have rather taken matters into our own hands.”

“I see,” said Constable Bailey.

“Yes. And we have retrieved the little...” Bunny turned back to Shi Shi and grimaced again. “Creature from said Fat…”

“Big,” said Felix.

Bunny again turned to her grandson and raised her eyebrows.

“It’s Big Kathy.”

“Oh, yes, indeed,” said Bunny. “We have reclaimed, er,” Bunny said the name as if it were the very first time she had ever, “shi… shi… ourselves from Fat, er, Big Kathy’s yard. I do hope that isn’t too criminal of us.”

“Um, well,” said Constable Bailey.

“I rather thought it might be akin to self defence…”

“I’m sorry?” said Constable Bailey.

“Oh, you know, we’re allowed to take reasonable steps to protect what is ours. I hope anyway.”

“Well, yes,” said Constable Bailey. “But, we would strongly recommend that you don’t take matters into your own hands and allow us to do our job.”

“Oh yes, Constable…”

“Constable,” repeated Felix.

Bunny looked at Felix just as Felix twitched his nose at Constable Bailey. “We won’t do that again,” she said. She looked at Blake who wasn’t looking amused.

“So, Constable Bailey, what information do you need?” said Bunny.

“So, you were a witness?” asked Constable Bailey.

“Yes,” said Christine.

“So where exactly were you in relation to the theft?”

“I was across the road in another car.”

“You just happened to be across the road,” questioned Constable Bailey.

“Yeah, me and…”

“Christine was in conversation with a 3rd party unrelated to this case,” interrupted Bunny.

“And you saw Fat…”

“Big,” said Bunny.

“Yes, Big Cathy take the dog?” asked Constable Bailey.

“Yes, and put it on her car and drive away,” said Christine.

“Well, then,” said Constable Bailey.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” said Christine. “I do have photos.”

“You have photos?” asked Constable Bailey.

“You have photos?” said Felix.

“You have photos?” said Blake.

“You asked me that Mrs Robertson, didn’t you?”

“Yes, dear, I did.”

“I completely forgot.”

“That was quick thinking,” said Constable Bailey.

“Well, I was already taking photos,” said Christine.

“Oh?” said Bunny.

“Oh!” said Felix.

“Er,” said Blake.

“So, I had my camera in my hand… already,” said Christine.

Well, if we have photos,” said Constable Bailey.

“You can arrest her,” said Felix.

“Lock her up,” said Blake.

“Give her what she has coming to her back in the cell,” said Christine.

“Well,” said Constable Bailey. “If you want to press charges.”

“Well, no,” said Bunny. “We don’t want to do that…”

“We don’t?” said Felix.

“We don’t?” said Blake.

“We don’t?” said Christine.

“No, we don’t?” said Bunny. She looked from Felix to Blake to Christine. Then she looked back to Constable Bailey. “If you could go around and have a word to her…”

“Well, yes, I could do that.”

“Perhaps, press upon her that we could have pressed charges but have chosen not to, on this occasion.”

“No problem,” said Constable Bailey.

“Scare her, a little, perhaps…”

“Yes.”

“To try and discourage any further problems of this nature.”

“Well, yes, Mrs Robertson…”

“Oh, please call me Bunny.”

“You can call me Felix,” said Felix breathlessly.

“Felix!” said Blake.

“We can do that,” said Constable Bailey.

“Well…” Bunny looked from Felix to Blake to Christine. “That would be lovely. Thank you.” She looked at the other three again. “What do you say?”

“Thanks,” said Christine.

“Thanks,” said Blake.

“I don’t know how I can ever repay you,” nose twitch, “Constable,” said Felix.

“Felix!” said Blake.

“We’ll be off, then,” said Bunny.

The four of them left the police station out into the sunshine of the day.

“Why aren’t we pressing charges,” asked Felix.

“Oh, the girl has had a hard life…”

“So, that doesn’t give her the right to…”

 “Oh, that will just cause trouble,” said Bunny. “It is better this way, trust your old gran.”

“He was so charming,” said Felix. “I…I… I think he could have got me to say anything he wanted.”

“I’m not sure that was exactly his, er, role, here honey.”

“Oh… no,” I guess not,” said Felix.

“Do we need to have a talk?” asked Blake.

“Oh, you guys,” said Christine.

“Carl Bailey,” said Felix.

“Okay, in the car,” said Bunny. “That’s a good job done.”

67 Ford (re-write)

He had a bronze 1967 Ford Falcon GT. It was his pride and joy. He bought it from the original owner, a fact he was clearly chuffed about. That meant something, that did, only the second owner. He said it proudly. It meant the car had clearly been loved. It was no accidental purchase this car. 

"Only people who really love XR Falcons, drive XR Falcons," he said.

She knew she was meant to be impressed, that much she knew. "So, you love XR Falcons?" she said.

"They are my favourite car ever," he said.

He looked at her expectantly. She was used to boys looking at her expectantly because they wanted something, but this wasn't quite the same look as those boys who wanted her to show them her knickers.

"She runs like brand new," he said.

She got the distinct feeling that he wanted her to ask him to let her hear it run, so that is what she asked.

"Go on, let me hear what she sounds like."

She wondered what made this car a ‘she’, but she decided not to ask.

The engine roared into life with a single turn of the key. “Bwup, bwup, bwup, bwup,” was the sound the engine made.

The only thing she could think to say after he started it up was, "Is this a V8?"

"Yes," he said.

"Oh jeez," she replied.

"Nervous?" he asked.

"I am now I know it is a V8."

"Don't stress," he said. "I'll be gentle."

"Please," she said. "This is my first time."

"We don't have to," he said. "Not if you don't want to."

"Oh no, I wanna," she said. "I just didn't expect to feel it quite like this. Through…"

"Through the seat?" he asked.

"Yeah, I didn't expect to feel it, um, er, that way." She looked down at her lap.

"Oh," he said. He laughed. "It's nice though, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess," she said.

"It is the cylinders."

"Oh," she said.

He gunned the accelerator.

She squealed.

He laughed. He gunned the accelerator.

She giggled.

"Should I spit me gum?"

"Dunno…"

"You'd know better than I would," she said. "I don't wanna choke on it."

"You're not gonna choke on it."

"You sure?"

"Only if you inhale on it."

"Am I gonna inhale on it?"

"Dunno."

"Are you gunna make me inhale on it?" she asked.

"No, I don't reckon."

"Well, I don't know what its gunna feel like."

He suddenly pulled his left foot from the clutch, and pushed his right foot to the floor. The car raised up at the front and took off.

She shrieked.

The old Falcon sped across the field at a cracking pace. He whooped and hollered.

She screamed out, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! YES!"

“Hold on,” he said. “I’m going to take her out onto the road.”

“Okay.”

“Buckle up,” he said. He clicked his seat belt into the clasp by his left hip.

She clipped her seat belt too.

The dirt drive took the car to the gate on the main road. “Here we go,” he said.

She whooped, as the car’s back tyres gripped onto the bitumen and the rear of the car fishtailed as it headed out onto the road. “Oh Johnny,” she called out.

“Don’t worry, Katie,” he said. “That was just the big old Yokoyama’s biting into the blacktop.”

“It’s wild, Johnny, wild.”

“You ain’t seen nothing yet,” said Johnny. 

Johnny’s foot pushed down on the accelerator and the car’s engine growled as it started to pick up speed.

“Oh Johnny!” Katie said. She held onto the top of the passenger door with her left hand.

“289 cubic inches of thrust,” said Johnny. “Like nothing else.”

“I can feel it pushing in my, oh, back… Johnny.”

“That’s where you feel it.” Johnny laughed. That’s what he wanted to hear. That’s what his car did.

“That’s where I’m feeling it,” said Katie.

Johnny reached over and grabbed Katie’s thigh, her skirt had ridden up as she pushed herself back in the seat more and more as the car went faster and faster. So, Johnny made the car go faster and faster. Johnny enjoyed the feeling of Katie’s bare flesh under the touch of his hand. He let his hand slide slowly up her thigh.

“Oh Johnny, I don’t think I have ever gone this fast in a car.”

Johnny couldn’t help but feel excited at Katie’s excitement.

Johnny glanced down at the speedo as they flew up the straight out the back of Cochran’s Estate and the big Ford was pushing 100 miles per hour.

Johnny slapped the side of the car with his arm out the open driver’s window. He took up the entire road of the two-way back road heading into town.

Katie was sitting up, staring out the windscreen with a smile across her face. Holding the passenger door with her arm.

The city outskirts were fast approaching. Johnny lifted his foot off the accelerator to slow down. They still hit the Welcome to Gisborne sign considerably over the speed limit.

Johnny started to pull the big gold sedan up.

“Oh Johnny,” Katie said. “That was really exciting.

“She’s an excitement machine,” said Johnny.

They wound around the curvy roads not real fast heading into the centre, but still over the limit.

“It’s real slow through here if you do the limit,” he said.

“I love this car, Johnny.”

“You thought it was old,” said Johnny.

“Oh no, I don’t think that,” she smiles, “anymore.”

They pulled up behind Chook’s GTI Golf and Robbo’s Toyota 86.

Chook’s at his car. “Hey," says Chook when he sees Johnny.

“Chook,” says Johnny.

“Katie.”

“Chook,” says Katie. She heads inside the Little Pigs Café and sits with Chook’s girlfriend Mia.

“So, how’s your piece of shit going?” Chook motions toward the XR GT

“It’s going good,” says Johnny. “Ever since dad and I gave it the bigger diameter exhaust, it is really humming.”

“You still not thinking about trading up?” asks Chook.

“This is a classic, man, as I tell you, a classic.”

“Yeah, yeah a classic,” says Chook. “Does it have cruise and air con?”

“Dad and I just put air con in it,” said Johnny. “When we were doing the recent work.”

“Cruise?”

“No, Chook, you know it doesn’t have cruise.”

Chook laughed and flicked Johnny around the ear. “Get yourself a real car, Johnny.”

“This is real, Chook, realer than your Euro hatch will ever be.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah.”

“And how about young Katie, Johnny,” said Chook. “Has she been the recipient of your,” Chook made parenthesis in the air, “bigger diameter exhaust, yet.”

“Hey, Chook,” says Johnny. He didn’t want to talk about Katie that way.

“How long have you two been going out now?”

“Six months.”

“Isn’t it time, you know, for you two…”

“Hey Chook, it’s not like that…”

“What are you telling me, Katie gets out the strap on?”

“I’m just not going to talk about her that way…”

“Oh, oo,” says Chook.

“I like her,” says Johnny. “She’s nice. Nicer than any girl you’ve ever gone out with.”

“Hey watch it,” says Chook. “That’s Mia you are talking about.”

“You don’t love Mia, you told me as much.”

“I did?”

“You did,” says Johnny. “You told me you were only going out with her so she could keep your dick wet.”

“That’s my girlfriend.” Chook was pumping up the outrage.

“They were your words, not mine, man.”

Chook suddenly dropped the mock outrage. “I did say that, they were my words.”

Johnny turned to head into the café to join the others. “I really like Katie, I’ve never been with someone who makes me feel…”

“Oh, my boys in love, is that what you are trying to tell me.”

“I think I am.”

“Oh, really,” says Chook.

Chook opens the door to the café.

“Yeah,” says Johnny. “I think it’s true.” 

Johnny expects Chook to make fun of what he has just told him, as Chook makes fun of anything like that. But Chook doesn’t.

“Wow,” says Chook. “Lucky you, what we all want.”

Johnny couldn’t help but smile as he walks across the café with his best friend. “My head just spins sometimes.”

Chook grabs Johnny by either side of his head. “Is that better?”

Johnny pulls his head away. “Get off me you idiot.”

“What was that all about?” asks Mia.

“What?” asks Chook.

“Outside?” says Mia

“Nothing,” says Chook.

“It didn’t look like nothing,” says Mia.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” says Chook, sounding annoyed.

Johnny reaches across and takes Katie’s hand in his.

Cheryl wanders over, chewing gum. “You lot ready to order?”

They give their order.

“How’s the old shitbox going?” asks Robbo.

“The old shitbox is going great,” says Johnny. “Better than it ever has.”

“When are you going to let me drive it?”

“You are never driving it,” says Johnny.

“Tell us what you have done to it this week?” says Chook. He laughs. “What you have had to do to it,” he makes parenthesis in the air with his fingers, “this week to keep it on the road.”

“You said my name outside,” says Mia.

“I’ve replaced the exhaust, installing a slightly thicker one and I have replaced the 4 barrel with a new one,” says Johnny.

“So?” says Chook.

“You know what I have had to do to my car this week?” says Robbo.

“What were you saying about me?” asks Mia.

“What?” says Johnny.

“Nothing, I wasn’t saying anything about you,” says Chook.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” says Robbo. “That’s what I’ve had to do to my car.”

“You said something,” says Mia.

“Good for you,” says Johnny.

“Give it up Mia,” says Chook.

“Isn’t it time you get yourself a real car,” says Robbo.

“I want to go, Chris,” says Mia.

They all look at Mia, no one ever calls Chook Chris.

“1-2 victory at Bathurst,” says Johnny. “What has your car ever won?”

“We’ve only just got here?” says Katie.

“There’s an 86 super car series,” says Robbo.

“Do you want to come to the bathroom with me?” asks Jess.

“That’s because they can’t compete against any other car,” says Johnny.

“Yes,” says Mia. The three girls go to the bathroom.

The food arrives at the same time.

“Two burgers?”

“Yes,” says Chook.

“Avo on toast and pasta?”

“Yes,” says Robbo.

“A big breakfast and corn fritter?”

“Yes,” says Johnny.

“There are 6 coffees.”

“Just put them down on the table,” says Chook. “We’ll sort them out.”

“Okay,” says Cheryl.

“Chicks, they be crazy,” says Chook.

“Chicks be crazy, really?” says Robbo.

“You were talking about her,” says Johnny.

“It was nothing,” says Chook. “Nothing I have to report into her.”

“What were you saying?” says Robbo. “You forget she can lip read because of Danica.”

“Oh bullshit,” says Chook. “I forget nothing, and not from that distance anyway.”

“What were you saying?” asks Robbo.

“Nothing,” says Chook.

“How you don’t love Mia,” says Johnny. “That’s what we were saying.”

Robbo raises his hands into the air. He exhales long and hard. “That’s all, hey?”

“Oh no, she wouldn’t have…”

“Clearly she did,” says Robbo.

The girls come back. Mia looks like she has been crying.

“What’s up?” whispers Chook.

Mia doesn’t answer. She eats her smashed avo on toast.

“Johnny’s car is hot,” says Katie.

“Nyr,” it’s not that hot,” says Chook.

“Ah, get a real car,” says Robbo.

“That’s my girl,” says Johnny.

“What did you say?” says Mia.

“I like Rob’s,” says Jess.

“Nothing, let it go,” says Chook.

“But, how big is your donk?” says Johnny.

“It doesn’t matter how big it is,” says Robbo. “It’s what you do with it.”

“That’s what they all say when they’ve got the smaller one,” says Johnny.

“I like it,” says Jess. Rob reaches over and tousles her hair.

“They all say that,” says Mia. “When it’s small.”

“What are you saying?” says Chook.

“I think Johnny’s is big enough,” says Katie.

“But you don’t know that,” says Robbo.

“Robbo?” says Johnny.

“I experienced it today, just now,” says Katie.

“You dirty dog,” says Robbo.

“No,” says Johnny. “Driving here today, flat out down the back of Cochran’s Estate.”

“Why would you say that?” says Chook.

“What did you say, outside, to the boys,” asks Mia.

“Oooo, and it is real and it is forever,” says Chook, pointedly.

“Fuck off,” says Johnny.

“Is it?” asks Robbo.

“Can we get off it,” says Johnny.

“That’s great, if it is,” says Robbo. “Something to um… er… cherish.”

“Yeah,” says Johnny.

“What are you guys talking about?” asks Katie.

“Nothing,” says Johnny and Robbo in unison.

“I want to leave,” says Mia.

“Already?” asks Jess.

“Yeah, let’s get the fuck out of here,” says Chook.

“You guys?” says Robbo.

“Don’t go,” says Johnny.

“What’s the point,” says Mia. She stands up. “Chris?”

“Oo, Chris?” mimics Robbo.

“Shut up,” says Chook and Mia in unison.

They all get to their feet. The boys make a point of paying. The girls head out onto the street. The boys catch up. Chook whistles like a man meeting his destiny.

Chook and Mia get into the car 

Chook opens his window. “See ya,” he says. He smiles kind of self-consciously at the others.

Mia is not saying much. She barely looks. She waves, rotating the fingers on her right hand.

Robbo and Jess look at Chook and Mia leave, then they look back at Johnny and Katie.

“Well,” says Robbo.

Jess pulls a face. Then laughs nervously.

The four of them hug. 

“Bye.” 

“Bye.” 

“Bye.” 

“Bye.” 

Robbo and Jess get in the car and drive away. Robbo waves out his window.

“Well, that went well,” says Johnny. He can’t help but smile.

Katie looks at him. “What were you and Chook talking about?”

“When?”

“You know when,” says Katie.

Johnny looks at Katie, not really sure what to say out of loyalty to Chook. He sighs. “Does it matter?”

“It matters to Mia.”

“Chook doesn’t love her.”

“She knows.”

“That’s what we said.”

“You boys.”

“What?” says Johnny. “You guys hate us if we don’t talk about our emotions…”

“Oh, come on…”

“And you hate us if we do.”

“You hurt her feelings.”

“She was 100 metres away through a glass window and, oh, I don’t know, how many tables and chairs…”

“Yeah, well, if she lip read what you were saying, that is pretty freaky.”

Johnny stared off down the main street. There was his next door neighbour putting her groceries into her car. She was going to the football club with supplies, where his mum would be too.

“Speaking of…” he looked at Katie, again not being able to stifle his smile.”

“What?” asks Katie.

“Freaky.” Broad smile.

“What of it?”

“Do you want to get it?”

“What?”

“My whole family will be down the footy club, Tom is playing, we’d have the house to ourselves.”

“Mr Campbell, I don’t know what you mean?”

“Well, Ms Jones, I think you know exactly what I mean.”

Katie looks coy.

“We could do it in mum and dad’s bed?” says Johnny. “You know, like…”

“Mr Campbell, you had me at freaky,” says Katie.

The gold XR GT exploded into life. Johnny selected first gear and the big car screeched off from a standing start and accelerated quickly down the main street, some people watching on, may have even said with a sense of urgency. “I wonder where the flamin’ fire is? Jees!”

Sophie & Scott

Recently, my friend, let’s call her Sophie (chuckle, because that is her name) said her gorgeous boyfriend Scott came to her distraught.

Sophie and Scott have been high school sweethearts, it has always been Sophie & Scott, Scott and Sophie. They are in their mid thirties and they have been together for 20 years, just gone.

All their friends, and brothers and sisters, have paired up, separated, and paired up again multiple times and have now got married and started having children and Sophie and Scott have remained girlfriend and boyfriend only with eyes, seemingly, for each other.

Sophie and Scott have been regarded as a sure thing by all those who know them.

Recently, it had crossed Sophie's mind that perhaps something was going on with Scott. “Oh, nothing really,” she said. But when you have been with someone for so long, "have only been with that person," said Sophie. “Even the smallest changes are obvious.”

“What were the changes?”

“Talking on the phone, kind of, um, quietly,” said Sophie. 

“Quietly?” I asked.

“He has always told me who he was talking to, after any call, just because he always has, now he hangs up and is silent. Same with texts, he’d always say, that was Mike, he wanted… or Kitt just saying... or Peter, or James, or his parents calling to see how we are, now he texts and doesn’t comment afterwards. Just puts his phone down.”

“Subtle changes, hey?”

“Yes, really just very small things.”

“Have you asked…”

“And he’s still working from home, and hasn’t been so inclined to go into the office for staff functions, he has tried to get out of them, as a rule, and has always gone complaining, if he went.”

“I see.”

“Now he seems to go happily, not a peep.”

“Had you asked him?”

“No. No, I hadn’t asked him,” said Sophie. “I don’t think I wanted to know the answer. My Scott.”

“Isn’t it better to know?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t sure, really I wasn’t,” said Sophie. “There was a part of me who couldn’t blame him, who’d really understand.”

“What are you saying?”

“We’ve been together for 20 years,” said Sophie. “And while I love Scott with all my heart and can NEVER imagine life without him.” Her eyes welled up with tears, just momentarily. “Our sex life is non existent, neither of us are asking the other for any sex. We’ve really become best friends. We’re friends that’s what we are, I think to myself.”

“Oh, come on…”

“No, it’s true, it is so true, there is no use being in denial.”

“How long since you have had sex?”

Sophie smiled like she didn’t want to give away that much. Then she looked wistful. “Two years. Maybe longer.”

“Two years. Maybe longer?”

“Scott is 35. I can’t expect him not to have sex again, I think to myself.”

“What about you?”

Sophie grunted. “Oh, yes, me too. I’m too young not to have sex again too,” she said. “But, I hadn’t missed it.” Her eyes welled up briefly again. “Not really. I know that is terrible. And I know I should have, but I hadn’t. I was…” she smiled, I can only say self consciously, “kind of in my bliss, everything was perfect.”

“Perfect, with no loving.”

“Oh, Scott and I sleep in each other’s arms every night. Scott is lovely in every way that he has always been,” said Sophie. “In fact, in an odd kind of way, he’s been just a little bit more attentive, recently.”

“Guilt?”

“Just around the edges, I suspected.”

“Mr Perfect,” I said. “He even guilts in the perfect way.”

Sophie exhaled loudly. “Still my Prince Charming.”

Sophie kind of drifted off some place else, happier times with Scott, I presumed, even if she was saying times are still happy. 

“And?” I prompted.

“And?” Sophie looked kind of lost at me.

“Yes,” I said. “Continue.”

“Well.” Her voice gave a tell tale squeak. “We’re both so busy with work, working late, whoever finishes first cooks dinner, or starts it, and we both finish it. We fall asleep on the couch in each other’s arms, one of us wakes the other to go to bed, we drag our tired arses off to bed. Repeat the next day.”

“We all live busy lives.” I wasn’t so sure how my input was helping.

“Scott would be out with a buddy from work seeing the latest Mario movie, or doing lunch with colleagues, well, I spend all my time with Scott, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything, but I also started to enjoy some alone time too.”

“Really?”

“It is therapeutic, being with yourself. I kind of missed it, in a sense, with all this work from home, constantly being together stuff we’ve had these last few years. Just me and Otto. I could have my thoughts.”

“Have your thoughts.”

“Yes, lately, I’d even considered buying some pot, you know on the quiet, for those occasions. I gave up having a joint at night because Scott didn’t like it.”

“Didn’t like you having it?”

“Oh, well, that too, but really it was because he doesn’t like it himself. He doesn’t cope well with smoking.”

“How often was he away?”

“No, not very often, certainly not weekly, so perhaps it just seemed something in my head,” said Sophie. “I wondered if it was something wrong with me. Was I the one who wanted to… was the rest of it in my head?”

“So, what did you do?”

“Well, ashamedly, I did nothing,” said Sophie. “The person I would talk such a thing through with was Scott, so for obvious reasons…”

“So, why didn’t you ask him?”

Sophie opened and closed her mouth. She looked off into the distance. And there was a moment of silence. “If I asked him, no matter the truth of the matter, it would all come crashing in on me,” she said. “Would I unleash something I couldn’t stop again. Could I put that genie back in the bottle, if I did that?”

“Surely, it would be better than…”

“Oh, you know, that is so easy to say. I was scared…”

“Scared?”

“Nervous. I didn’t know…” said Sophie. “I was still in the working it out for myself stage.”

“Working it out.”

“I think a part of me wanted Scott to ask me what was wrong,” said Sophie. “Surely, if I was having, what really was, when all was said and done, doubts, surely, he’d see it in me…”

“What, admit to his own bad behaviour?”

“Oh, I know that sounds pathetic when I say it out loud, but would his guilt, and you know, I wasn’t even sure it was even guilt…”

“How so?”

“Well, if it was sex, and he was just having sex, then there was a part of me that couldn’t blame him…”

“Jesus, Sophie, what about the dishonesty…”

“What dishonesty?”

“Him going behind your back?”

“Is that dishonest?” said Sophie. She shrugged. “Or honest.”

“What?”

“Maybe, I had let him down.”

“This is not your fault.”

“Oh, Josh, I know it’s not my fault as in allocating blame, but have… had I lost interest in him sexually?”

“What?”

“I had. It’s true.”

“You can’t blame yourself.”

“I was not blaming myself,” said Sophie. “I was just trying to understand it.”

“So, what happened?”

“What happened?” she repeated.

“Yes.”

“Scott had gone out to a work farewell, someone colleague was leaving. He came home later than was anticipated. Otto and I were snoring on the couch in front of the TV…”

“Attractive.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Go on.”

“Scott turned off the TV. Otto woke and start to wriggle at Scott’s arrival.”

“Bulldog wriggles.”

“Yes, bulldozed all over me, woke me up.”

“What time was it.”

“Midnight. I’d drunk the good part of a bottle of red.”

“The picture gets better.”

“Oh.” Sophie giggled. “Scott was clearly upset.”

“How?”

“How?”

“Yes, how did he look upset.”

“Oh, I could just tell,” said Sophie. “He denied it, said he was tired, but there was just something…”

“Woman’s intuition?”

“An idiot’s intuition,” said Sophie. “So, I pressed him.”

“And?”

“He broke down in tears. Cried like a baby. The other girl broke it off with him. Couldn’t have him exclusively, or something. Wanted more time with him, that he wasn’t going to give. He didn’t want her too. He wanted to continue. They had great sex. He didn’t want to hurt me. He didn’t know what he wanted.”

“What did you say?”

“This was the first breakup he’d ever had, you know, he didn’t know how to deal with it.”

“Oh, poor him,” I said sarcastically.

“He was beside himself… and confused… distraught, because I was the person he wanted to come home to and spill his guts to and to hold me and for me to tell him it would be alright as I always do… as he always does for me.”

“And what did you do?”

Sophie exhaled very loudly. She looked off into the distance again. “I… um… got…” She looked at me with a hard gaze. “His emotional distraught was…”

“Was?”

“Was… a turn on.”

“What?”

“Oh… my… god… that out pouring of…” she shook her head.” “Raw emotion from him turned me on.”

“Turned you on?” I heard the alarm in my voice.

“Yes, out of my inaction came…”

“Came?”

She looked at me. “Suddenly, I just wanted to fuck him.”

“WHAT?”

“I wanted to have sex with him.”

“I can’t believe you.”

“I can’t believe myself,” said Sophie. “But that is what I wanted…”

“And… what did you do.”

“I thought, fuck it, he’s been doing what he wants… for however long, fuck him and fuck his tears…”

“And?”

“And… I just started kissing him…”

“And what did he do.”

“He pulled away, initially, confused, I’m wondering if he thought he was misreading the situation…”

“But he wasn’t.”

“No, he wasn’t… and through his tears, and his snot and his emotional distress, he tried to stop me, looked confused, like it wasn’t appropriate, like he thought it was wrong… but…”

“But?”

“But? I pulled his clothes off and we fucked long and hard on the couch.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I know,” said Sophie. “How about that?”

“And did that help?’

“Um…” Sophie exhaled. Struggled to find words. “No… um… no, not initially, it was confusing, for both of us.”

“Confusing.”

“Yes, like we were suddenly doing strange things.”

“Strange things?”

“Like we were in uncharted territory and we’d kind of headed off into uncharted territory.”

“And what happened.”

“It was late and I said let’s just go to bed. And we went to bed, exhausted.”

“He said it was just sex and that he was sorry.” She smiled wanly. “With the other girl.”

“Did you accept that.”

“Yes, sure, the logical side of me did,” said Sophie. “And despite the fact I had thought it through already, you know just, the emotional side of me couldn’t help but be a little bruised. My Scott.”

“And how is it?”

“Oh,” Sophie smiled. “He has said all the right things. It was just sex. He never thought she would replace me. He never ever thought he’d leave me, or that we’d split up. He didn’t know what would happen, but he never thought we’d break up.”

“What did you think of that?”

“I understood,” said Sophie. “He said he was horny.”

“Horny?”

“That I wasn’t showing any interest in him.”

“Is that true?”

“I’ve told you it was true.”

“He said he just got tired of always being the one to want sex.”

“Is that true.

“I guess it is.”

“He said he cannot imagine life without me,” said Sophie.

“Did he not think to talk to you…”

“He got cocky and said he wanted to have a threesome with this other girl.”

“What did you say?”

Sophie laughed. “I said sure, as long as we could have a threesome with Angelo from work who keeps flirting with me.”

“What did he say to that?’

“Well, he didn’t say no,” said Sophie. “But he hasn’t really asked if Angela can come around again.”

“So, what do you want to do?”

“I dunno,” said Sophie. “But when Angelo the young lawyer chats me up at work again, I’m not going to be so uptight about it, that much I know.”

“Angelo?”

“He has far too much confidence flirting with one of his seniors for his own good, let me tell you, and it will probably come back to bite him one of these days, if I did, but until then...”

“Really.”

“He really needs to be taken down a peg, or two.”

“I haven’t seen this side of you before.”

Sophie laughed. “Neither have I.”

“So, are you saying its Angela?”

“Yes.”

“And Angelo?”

“Yes,” said Sophie. “Oh yes, I hadn’t seen that before.”

“Really?”

A few weeks later I saw Sophie. She had capitulated to Scott and Angela had come over and the three of them had got together one Saturday night. There was soft music and candles and incense and flavoured lube.

“Was it strange?”

“Yes and no.”

“Yes, and no?”

“Well, not as strange as I thought it was going to be.”

“Did you feel jealous?”

“No, not jealous.”

“Well, what did you feel?”

“I felt closer to Scott than I had in years.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to say that.”

“Neither was I?”

“And how was it with Angela?”

“She’s nice, I like her,” said Sophie. “She said she was sorry about her and Scott, that while she couldn’t say she didn’t know he was married at the outset, she said she just didn’t really think it through.”

“And you were okay with that?”

“Yes, sure. She said she thought Scott and I had an arrangement, and she broke it off when she realised we didn’t.”

“And you believe her?”

“Yes, yes I do,” said Sophie. “She said it was only ever sex for her and she gave herself permission when she thought we had an arrangement.”

“So, it was enjoyable…”

“Yes.” Sophie laughed.

“Why are you laughing?”

“I never thought I’d do something like that.”

“So, what about Angelo.”

“Yes… no… Angelo hasn’t been mentioned again.”

In Your Pants Company

“In Your Pants,” blazes across the giant billboard in huge letters.

And there is Bambi Bunting with her hands strategically place over her bare breasts. And there is muscular Buck Angel standing next to her, with one hand strategically place over Bambi’s crotch. And there is handsome Luke Skywalker standing naked next to Buck, Buck with his other hand over Luke’s junk. And there is Leroy Cowboy standing next to Luke dressed just in jeans, and a cowboy hat, of course, with his elbow resting on Luke’s shoulder. And there is Tina Tracy dressed only in flared pants standing next to Leroy with Leroy’s arm stretching across her breasts covering them. Leroy’s hand stretching out pinching Johnathan Chan’s face, Johnathan dressed only in cargo pants, closing one eye where Leroy’s fingers are pinching his cheek.

The In Your Pants clothing company is the newest and biggest thing in town. All the cool kids are going there.

It’s good looking sales staff declaring a love for sexy pants written across their company t-shirts, always a little tight for their good looking staff, the guys and gals giving the illusion they're sexually availability in their friendly greeting.

"I love sexy pants, don’t you," says Bambi Bunting. Let's face it, who doesn't, with the attractive staff like their staff. 

"Can I help you?" says Buck Angel. Can I help you with something new to cover your sexy body, can I help you with life.

It gives customer service a whole new meaning, the gals and guys with their skimpy tops, or the often guy’s bare chested with the elastic of their undies showing.

Leroy Cowboy wears his jeans sagging pants style.

Staff have been "turned on" for their customer's pleasure with big, bright, and colourful 'sex' buttons they wear.

"We will take our pants off to get In Your Pants," says Luke Skywalker.

Woo Hoo, there should be more of it, is what most focus groups say. Strapping guys and sexy gals, all tactile, suggestive and at times shivering with anticipation... of a sale, of course.

The badges are part of the Sex & Life advertising campaign for In Your Pants Clothing Co and new lust theme based designers shopping experience. 

The campaign also features the large image of a semi-naked Midge McClure, with gaffer tape over her nipples, having her jeans unzipped from behind, by various beefy men. 

It also features a large image of a strapping young man, Christos Condos, with his hairy chest, hairy stomach, and hairy legs, having his jeans pulled off by a gaggle of pretty girls, leaving him in just in his blue and white boxer shorts only just covering him. We can see he is clearly enjoying the attention.

She's Lovely! Our Midge. A bit Girl Next Door, if you know what I mean. 

But, it's not just for the guys, it is for the gals too. 

Christos, along with all the other guys, is just as provocative and just as cute.

Got to love that; it’s an edgy and chilled and cool approach to selling, with no hang ups and no limits to get a sale. Sure, it is for the young, but when isn't sex.

"We will take our pants off to get In Your Pants," says the guy shop staff, as enthusiastically as their gal counter parts.

But, you know, what I love the most, is listening to all the wowzers squeak and squirm and show the world their sexual hang ups. These are the same religious based campaigners who didn't understand what oral sex was. The leader Madge Vickers-Waffle blushed and said quite seriously, "I don't believe any god fearing man does that to his loving wife, not in my experience, " when it was explained to her that cunnilingus is not, in fact, a South American Trumpet player.

These guys & gals are giving everything for a sale and, on some occasions, I mean everything and they are loving it. A big smile, a quick song and dance routine, tell some jokes, all in the name of fun and, of course, a sale. You’ll love it too.

"Excuse me, sir, can I help you with something," says gorgeous Bambi. Nose twitch.

"Excuse me ma'am, can I help you with something," says beefy Buck Angel, big smile.

The guys and gal’s swoon. The staff are 'attentive.' And everyone leaves with a huge smile. That's the company promise.

There is lovely Luke Skywalker, and beautiful Bambi Bunting leading the sales team, standing at the front of the store.

“Cum in, everyone is welcome,” says Bambi Bunting.

“Cum and ask me what I have in my pants,” says Luke Skywalker.

“What Luke has, is worth seeing,” says Bambi.

“Bambi has great things in pants, too,” says Luke Skywalker.

Christos and Midge wear their anti-evangelical wrist bands, capable of repelling the wowzers and the deluded right away.

“Nobody wants to hear what they have to say,” says Midge.

“Everybody really just wants to have some fun,” says Christos.

“I’m here for fun,” says Midge.

“I took one of the Evangelical girls home one night for a little fun,” says Christos. “She was nervous, and when I kissed her and her apple lip gloss, she thought her head was going to explode, as she finally saw the real truth.”

“Oh, been there,” says Midge. She smiles at the thought.

“Evan’gel girl never went back to the happy clappers,” says Christos. “She was having far too much fun after that.”

“After she was opened up to the world?” says Midge.

Luke smiles. “After she was opened up to the world, hey Christos?”

Leroy Cowboy comes up behind boyfriend Luke and pulls Luke’s shirt over his head and off him leaving him in the new brand chinos.

Joshua Chan comes up behind girlfriend Tracy and pulls Tracy’s shirt overhead and off her leaving her in her bra and matching new brand chinos.

“Now, I think you guys are really ready for fun,” says Leroy

“Now you are ready for all the fun in the world,” says Joshua.

Leroy Cowboy takes Luke in his arms and kisses him passionately.

Joshua Chan takes Tina in his arms and kisses her passionately.

“Come one, come all, Luke is ready to serve,” say Leroy after he finishes kissing Luke.

“Come one, come all, Tracy is ready to serve,” say Joshua Chan after he finishes kissing Tracy.

“Luke’s got more in his pants now than he did before,” Leroy Cowboy calls out to the passing crowd.

“Tracy is wearing her pants closer than she did before,” Joshua Chan calls out to the passing crowd.

Joshua Chan winks to Leroy Cowboy, Leroy Cowboy winks back.

Tracy and Luke embrace.

"All cummers looked after," Luke calls to the crowd.

"Intimate services, is our specialty," Tracy calls after Luke.

"Two for one deal," calls Leroy Cowboy, taking Joshua Chan in his arms."

“The first girl, or guy for that matter, to slide into Luke’s pants, 5% off,” says Bambi.

“The first guy, or girl for that matter, to slide into Bamb’s pants, 100 rewards points,” says Luke.

“The first girl, or guy for that matter, to buy 2 pairs of our pants on sale gets to see Luke with his pants off,” says Bambi. “Or Buck, or Josh with their pants off, for that matter.”

“Hey, hang on,” says Buck.

“Hang on,” says Joshua.

“Ignore them, anyone of these handsome guys stripped down, just take your pick,” says Bambi.

“The first guy, or girl for that matter, to buy 2 pairs of our pants on sale gets a lapdance from Bambi,” says Luke. “Or Buck, of Josh in their undies, for that matter,” calls Luke.

“Hey, hang on,” says Buck.

“Hang on,” says Joshua.

“Any one of these sexy guys or gal in their undies giving a lapdance, I can’t be any fairer than that,” calls Luke, to the passing crowd. “Choose 2 at once for multiple purchases.”

“Hey, hang on,” says Buck.

“Hang on,” says Joshua.

“Hang on,” says Bambi.

“Take no notice,” says Luke. “Two of our gorgeous staff with titillate and satisfy with the right purchase. Step up, step up.”

“What if I want two girls rather than one of the guys,” asks a young man with shopping bags in his hands.

“Have you tried one of each?” asks Luke.

“No,” says the guy.

“You should try one of our guys paired with the beautiful Bambi, it is something you won’t forget.”

“Have you tried them?”

“I’ve gone many rounds with these two handsome blokes,” says Luke.

“I’d rather 2 girls,” insisted the young man.

“As you wish,” says Luke. “No problem at all.” Luke turns to face the inside of the shop. “Tina? Where’s Tina. Tina are you there?”

Bambi Bunting and Tina Tracy took the 1st year university guy, Carl, inside to shop. They got him two pairs of jeans. They made sure the jeans fitted him well. They told him he looked sexy, they both patted his arse, and Carl left a happy boy.

Luke stands at the front door with Joshua Chan, he sings.

"Evangelical girls are so sexy, in their naivety.

And all they ever want to do, is go home for the night."

Evan, evan, evangelical girls,

put on this earth, to tumble and to twirl,

Evan, evan, evangelical girls,

I just want to take them home and give them a whirl.

All together now."

Luke looks at Joshua, Joshua looks at Luke, and they both laugh.

A girl walks up to the two boys.

“What’s your name?” a girl asks Luke.

“I’m Luke Skywalker.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Not my real name, obviously,” says Luke. “But it is my name when I am at work."

“I’m looking for new pants.”

“Can I get the lovely Bambi Bunting to help you.”

“That would be lovely,” says the girl.

“Bambi,” Luke calls. 

And Bambi appears. “New pants?”

“For work.”

“Come this way.”

A lovely young lady steps forward. “How can we help you?” asks Joshua Chan. 

“I want pants for my boyfriend,” says the girl. “And he looks like you.”

“I can help you buy pants for your boyfriend,” says Joshua. “But what pants he wears isn’t usually dependent on how he looks?”

“Can you try them on and model them for me?” asks the girl. “He looks like you in size and shape. In fact, from behind…” she winks and smiles.

Joshua holds out his arm. “Come with me,” says Joshua. “I’m all yours.”

“Buy 2 pairs and any one of our boys will strip to their jocks and give you a lapdance,” says Midge to the young lady heading into the shop with Joshua.

“I’d like him,” says the girl pointing at Joshua with a big smile.

“Lap dance it is,” says Josh.

A guy steps forward and says to Buck Angel, “I like your jeans.”

“I’ll give you these jeans if you buy our buy two pairs, get the second pair for 25% off, special,” says Buck Angel.

“Your jeans?”

“Yes. These jeans.”

“The ones you are wearing?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Right now,” says Buck Angel. “If that’s what it will take.”

“Okay,” says the guy. “Sure. You have convinced me.”

“It’s a deal,” says Buck Angel. He takes off his jeans and gives them to the guy. Buck then takes the guy into the shop and gets him a second pair of jeans which the guy buys. 

A near naked Buck Angel reappears and does back flips in his undies in the doorway of the shop.

Luke Skywalker pulls off his shirt and backflips with Buck Angel in the doorway of the shop.

Bambi comes out and plays flamenco guitar. Tina brings out her bongos and plays. Joshua comes out bare chested and sweaty, buttoning up his jeans, and shakes a tambourine, as well as his arse. 

Luke and Buck back flip from side to side.

“Buy one pair, get the second pair for 25% off,” calls Christos to the passing crowd. “We’re doing deals all day.”

“Step up, step up, for the greatest show in town,” says Midge. “Er, shop in town. The greatest shop in town. Step up, step up.”

“I believe in miracles,” sings Leroy Cowboy. “Where're you from?”

“You sexy thing (sexy thing you)” sings Leroy.