Chilled

I sat around all morning feeling that my life is my own, and it is. It is a lovely feeling to have, feeling pretty chilled. I can do what I want.

I recommend it, as a good place to be. I’m sure some doctors could make comments about blood pressure and heart rates. I’m just going to say it is good for the soul.

I was just feeling self indulgent, just because I could. Well, perhaps not so self indulgent, more self focussed, I guess. But it was an interesting juxtaposition to what was going to come next.

I went out and met up with a girlfriend, Gabby, for lunch, who has a 2 year old and is six months pregnant who doesn't think she is going to cope when she has two.

What could I say? Nothing. I just listened.

"If the next one was a boy, I don't know what I'd have done."

I thought of Rocco her sexy husband and thought that was a shame. "And is it?"  Rocco in a pair of track pants had to be seen to be appreciated.

"No. that was the first thing I wanted checked." Gabby said, with an air of certainty about it.

“You had it checked?”

“Yes, the first thing I did when I found out I was pregnant.”

“How?”

“Blood test,” said Gabby. “I insisted.”

“Oh, well, good, then you don’t have to worry.”

“Oh Jake, you have no idea.”

“No idea?”

“How full on Diego was.”

“Really, that bad.”

“He just never stopped. NEVER STOPPED.” Gabby’s hand started to shake. I reached out and took it in mine.

“Oh Gab.”

“I couldn’t have done it again, I just couldn’t have.”

My memory of Diego was that of a normal little boy, but I didn’t really see him a lot.

“So, you are having a girl?”

Gabby’s face lit up for the first time. “Yes, I’m so relieved.”

We ate lunch and then we took the two year old to the park. 

"He never stops, he just never stops."

She seemed sad, not joyous at all, at the birth of the next one.

"It's just not how I imagined it to be."

“Having kids?”

I thought she was going to cry. Maybe I was just feeling disappointed for her. 

“Yes,” she said. “I’d hate to say it was the biggest dis…” she stopped herself.

As I said, her dream was always to be a mother. I took her hand and squeezed.

I smiled comfortingly, what else could I do.

“All I ever wanted to do was to have kids.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Diego played with his toys on a blanket on the grass. I watched him and thought, so, this is what the devil looks like? In such a small package. I smiled to myself, Gab didn’t notice.

So? What? She didn’t check the terms and conditions? Is that the problem here? The product didn’t live up to expectations? There seems to be a warranty issue, but the celestial call centre just isn’t taking her call.

The dream was something else, it wasn’t this. What is that just-always-wanted-to-be-a-mother based on exactly? A feeling? An idea? Family life? What they have always been promised. I guess it can be quite different from another POV? It stands to reason, I guess?

This was not what she thought she was signing up for.

There is a no money back guarantee clause, oh, yes, I think there is? There in the fine print. You break it, and it’s yours. Even if you don’t break it, it is still yours. There are no guarantees on any of this. I am pretty sure that has been proven down the generations.

And it is for life, so choose carefully. And, you know what they say, be careful what you wish for.

Anyway, my heart went out to her. It’s not what any one wants. Disappointment. It is certainly not ideal. With such a large and permanent choice.

Then I went back to my life, where my life is my own.

Still, I’m guessing, they will be a comfort to her in her old age. Even if that is, what, how many lifetimes away?

Of course, that is not guaranteed, either. Those pesky off-spring, minds of their own, I hear.