Something Lost

It's funny thinking about Jason. He was fiery and passionate and beautiful. A wog boy to be sure. We kind of had a special bond, kids from different sides of the tracks make good friendship. Day time movie premises. I bet they wouldn't show the hot fucking, skin on skin; we couldn't get enough of each other. We were always pulling each other's pants off.

He seemed so alive and his extended family seemed like a circus going on around him.

I loved all of that. The family thing. Oh, of course, I had the family thing too, with my family, but it was much more kind of polite with an Anglo family. The wog family thing was loud, and raucous, and messy and it still holds such fond memories for me.

I miss that, like it is something lost to me.

And Jason. We just kind of drifted apart, no real reason why. I haven’t seen him for a long time.

The funny bit is that I have his parent's phone number. It wouldn't be so unrealistic that they haven't moved, they'd lived in that house for years.

They loved me. They thought I was funny and clever. They were all so earthy, in away. They called me Jason's boyfriend, even though I don't think they suspected. (I guess, they must have, hey? Nah! What? Those natural reserved, quiet Italians would have just let that go?) We were both kids in their eyes. I was different to them, so I was just Jason's buddy. School friend, that's how he passed us off. They'd give me Jason's phone number, most likely. They'd certainly pass mine on to him, I think.

What would happen, do you think?

I live on my own, so I have no-one to answer to.

What if he'd never found love?

What if he was married, but had lost the love? Or still had it? I don’t care, I probably don’t want to keep him. Not forever. Just for… well, you know what for.

What if he was married... boys cheat, they all do. He'd come over to my place nervous, but probably feel no guilt. Guys don't feel guilt about that stuff. If it involves their wants and needs, they don't care about anything else. It would be different, that's all.

And rightly, or wrongly, it would turn me on to tempt him away from his wife, to know he was cheating on her with me. That is terrible, I know it is, but it would be true. Knowing he couldn’t resist. That’s selfish, isn’t it? It is, I know it, but what can you do?

I don't care. I want what I want.

No wonder one of my favourite movies ever is Dangerous Liaisons.

“It is beyond my control.”

Rightly, or wrongly, I’d like Jason to have a wife and kids, and I’d like to do that to him. It would be beyond his control. I reckon I could pull it off, easy. Jason was – sure, it was way back when – keen, he was always up for it. And he was good at it. A natural, you might say.

The human flesh is weak. It would turn me on to see his crumble. Have him standing next to my bed in his undies shaking. It would be a good look.

“Come here baby, I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

Is that too wicked for words? I guess it is.