I have a day off, a day to myself. The whole day stretching out in front of me, like the celestial highway to the stars. Oh, I picture a road suspended in mid-air disappearing to infinity. Neat and clean, smooth and blemish free.
I switch my computer on early. I just feel like a little something to get me in the mood. So, I call Audrey for a bag of dope. She makes a home delivery early on her way from somewhere to somewhere else. She’s a sight. She’s in a white strap chiffon dress with pink fur trim around her hem, pink bunny ears and a Fendi bag.
“Nice bag.”
“Baguette,” she says.
“The difference is?”
“This is a baguette.”
She invests what she calls her play money in Fendi bags.
“Where are you going?” I ask her.
“Oh, where are any of us going, that is the question?” says Audrey.
“No, I mean now?”
“I just left a club, it was a good night.”
“So, anywhere from here to infinity?” I was just testing her.
She laughs. “As close as you can get.”
“I tell you, you always do my head in.”
“Ohhhhhhh.” She sounds disbelieving. “Listen to you. Now can I help you with one Jolly Rodgers, or two?”
Sometimes it’s chicken snacks, sometimes it’s party dresses, sometimes it’s armadillos, with no warning, or explanation, you just have to keep up.
“I’d better have two?”
“I love your decisiveness,” she says. She twitches her nose like Samantha Stevens.
She reaches into the before mentioned bag and like the Tardis she seems to pull out of it stuff that seems like it is too large to fit in there in the first place.
“Voila,” she says.
I start patting my jeans pockets as though I am looking for money. I am trying to remember where my wallet is.
Audrey turns on her heal and starts heading for the door. “You can pay me later.” The voice of a valley girl, I think, as I look at the back of her head walking away.
“I’m good for it,” I offer. I thought lamely as soon as I said it.
“Isn’t that what I just said,” she says.
I pushed her out the door as soon as I could. I find I start to lose IQ points if I talk to Audrey for too long.
I made coffee, strong and black... I couldn’t be a happier boy?
I pulled up the garden table under my veranda. It was a lovely sunny day, especially under the partial shade of the veranda and the Japanese Maple in front of the veranda. I rolled a joint really quickly and smoked it down greedily as I sipped my coffee. Some may say, if they’d been watching, that I inhaled it, so it was good that no one was there to witness it.
I rolled a second joint. And that lovely wave soon washed over me. I could almost feel my eyes cranking shut in increments in direct relation to how much I was smoking. Lovely, I thought.
I just naturally slid my laptop over in front of me and started typing away.
“So, this is Luke.”
“Oh, yes!”
“He’s newly available.”
“Impressive, isn’t he.”
“We like to think so.”
“Does he have a, er.” She seems to search for her words. “Vibe?”
“Vibe?”
“Yes.”
“How so?”
“A presence?”
“We like to think so.”
“Oh yes, I think he does.”
“Well, I am pleased to hear that, as that is what we want in our…”
“There is definitely one.”
“You are saying that as a positive?”
“Oh, yes, indeed.”
“Well, we seem to have hit our mark then.”
“What do you think is in Luke’s heart?”
“Heart?”
“Oh, I don’t know, let me take a look at him.”
“You need to look at him to guess what is in his, er, heart?”
“Yes, of course, you don’t think I can just wing it on some vague idea of him?”
“Well, no, I guess not.” The customer is always right. “I hadn’t thought about it, er, that way before.”
“Oh yes, of course, I’m going to have to have a look at him.”
“No problem, that is no problem. Take a look.”
“Otherwise, I might be in danger of making it up.”
“Making it up, you say?”
“Yes, imagining something that is there that isn’t there at all.”
“Well, no, we can’t have that, er, I suppose.”
“No, that wouldn’t be any good at all,” she said. “You know, for something, I can call him something?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Instead of he?”
“Yes, of course.”
“I’m just getting used to all of this, of course.”
“Oh yes, take your time.”
“For something I am going to take into my home.”
“We need an honest response.”
“We need a true appraisal of what this is?”
“Yes, we do.”
“Naturally.”
“Well, he is a B39 series 4. He’s a very nice example of that model. He should have a triple battery pack, plus the enhancement function in his pants.”
“Should we take a look?”
“Er, yes. Let’s. Of course.”
“Won’t I have to look at it from time to time?”
“His battery pack?”
“In his pants?”
“You shouldn’t have to very often, but I guess it is possible.”
“I did wonder?”
“Okay. The battery pouch just clicks off like this. There. Now you can see the optional quad battery pack, in this case, and the enhancement function.”
“Oh, yes! I can see that.”
“It’s just the battery pack, mam.”
“Yes, of course.”
“It’s just moulded that way for good ergonomics.”
She laughs the melodic laugh of a damsel.
“He looks all complete, Assembly has done a good job with him, he should be good to go.”
“So, he is the companion model?”
“Yes, that is correct. He is programmed for conversation, emotional and practical. He is programmed for entertainment, which includes the date model and the games model.”
“So, just as good as heading out to a show, or playing games at home, or watching TV?”
“Yes, that is correct. He’s just as capable for live shows and cinema, or being at home for cards, chess, backgammon and the like.”
“Equally good for all those things?”
“Yes, he is a good allrounder.”
“Well, that is great.”
“And he is perfectly capable and able if his mistress, let’s say, gets drunk at lunch to drive her home.”
“Oh, dear God, he sounds almost perfect.”
“His service chip is up to date. He looks as though he has been well cared for.”
“That’s good to hear. Sad for him if he wasn’t.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“It would be awful to be neglected.”
“Oh no, he has no programming around that. It wouldn’t matter.”
“It wouldn’t matter?”
“No. You don’t have to keep up any type of emotional crutch for him, like you would a real boyfriend/husband.”
“You don’t have to fake it with him?”
“Er, I’m sorry?”
“Oh, ah.” Her face blushes red. “I don’t have to fake sincerity?”
“No. No need to fake any sort of sincerity like you would for any human connection.”
“Oh god, that sounds soooo freeing.”
“Oh yes, it is such a relief, clients tell me, let me assure you.”
I sit back and think about the story so far.
I move into the breakfast room for a little toast, with mashed banana on it for lunch. It is suddenly halfway through the day. I made more coffee. I had to keep up my 6, or 7, cups per day, naturally. The more coffee the better, that’s what I always say.
The sun is shining in through the window, that always helps. Life is so much nicer with the sun shining and the blue sky overhead, it just makes the experience that much nice.
What can I say, let’s go for the optimum day, with the sun shine option, the blue sky option, plus the peace and serenity options all ticked. That is the day I am after, and that was the day I got.
Nobody disturbed me all day, so I must have inadvertently switched on the bliss option when I was loading my dashboard, so three cheers for that.
“You said before something about a date model?”
“That is one of his functions.”
“Can you elaborate?”
“Oh yes, of course, one of his program settings is the boyfriend experience.”
“The boyfriend expedience?”
“Dinner and a show. As if he is taking you out.”
“Oh yes.”
“I believe the B39 series 4 also has the advanced first date function.”
“Really, the first date experience?”
“He can provide the experience of going out on a first date with a new suiter.”
“Oh really, how fascinating,” she said. “I’m sure that is a popular function with the ladies?”
“Yes, it is. And some men too.”
“It sounds fascinating.”
“He has quite an array of advanced functions being a Series 4.”
“So, he can massage my, er, feet after a long day being CEO?”
“Yes, he has the advanced smooth touch enhancement and his Soft Acrylic Fibre finished hands are perfect for foot massage.”
“And fully washable?”
“Of course. He’s going to be using his hands for any number of applications so they need to be.”
“Oh, I like that.”
“He also comes with a second pair also.”
“Lovely.”
“All fully washable, of course.”
“He sounds divine.”
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