Josh, You Have So Many Friends

 People say I have lots of friends.

"Oh Josh, you have so many friends."

I feel like I have got few. I feel like I'm losing them at a fast rate. So many. So many cool people, missed once they are gone.

The trouble is that I like my own company too much.

I'm not really sure I "get" this life any more. I've had great loves and great relationships, but now mostly I feel lonely. Is there more to understand? Is it just a secret that I haven't been let in on yet? Or do I have to do all of this all over again? Did I think I'd done it, only to discover that I'm only half way there?

I day dream about suicide, well, not so much day dream, but sometimes when I hear about it, I find myself thinking they are the lucky ones, you know, before I catch myself. I find empathy welling up. If there was a palatable way of doing it, I might just. Of course, I probably wouldn't, tomorrow may just be the best day of your life, and all that, but I'm sure it can't be healthy to be thinking about it.

There would be a certain freedom. A one ticket shot at it though, hey?

Still, I don't know why we don't have euthanasia laws, you know, for the bored and the tired. Why do you have to be terminally ill and in pain? It's not like we are short of human beings. Why is it anybody’s business? Because they don't want you to do it to them. Bugger you, Jack! Just don't make them feel pain, take this you’ll be okay... and then we’ll be okay too.

"Last thing I remember, I was running for the door

I had to find the passage back to the place I was before

'Relax,' said the night man, 'We are programmed to receive.

You can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave!"

Ah, this thing called life? What does it mean? Just when, from all outwardly signs, I look as though I have it sorted, nice house, good job, money in the bank, I'm mostly left feeling there must be something more.

Funny thing, I got the first part done, did well even, but am I going to be left feeling the elusive 'something more' for the rest of my life?

Let’s face it, the first part is easy with all that enthusiasm for the new things you are discovering. The whole world opens up with infinite possibilities. 

But then it is an open book and pretty soon the pages are yellowing.