You know what is worse than men in lycra? Men in lycra that is too big for them. Especially in white. And shiny. They look like an egg that has been painted by Dali. The physical embodiment of the melting clock standing before you.
“Come on Toby, me love, time to go,” says David.
“Oh, yes, David, just a moment while I get up.”
“Give me your hand, old man,” says David. “Alley oop!”
“Oh, yes, that makes it much easier,” says Toby.
“I’m getting my bike.”
“I’m paying the bill.”
“Straighten you suit,” says David. “It’s all hanging down…”
“What?”
“At the back.”
“What?”
“The back, mate, the back,” says David. “Pull it round, or tuck it in.”
“These suits aren’t what they used to be.” Toby gives his buzz saw laugh.
“Not only the suits…”
“What’s that?”
“I said not only the suits.”
“Not only the suits?”
“It’s not just the suits,” says David.
“Oh.”
David puts his knuckles to each side of his head. “Clean them out, Tobe.” He twists each hand. “Clean them out.”
“Are you saying we aren’t what we used to be?” says Toby.
“Well, your arse is beginning to resemble Madeline’s from back here.” David laughs.
“Not just the suit,” says Toby. “We should ride under that name.”
“Not, Madeline’s Arse?” says David.
“Not Madeline’s arse,” says Toby. “You look like your balls are hitting your thighs.”
“That’s not just the suit…”
“What?”
“That’s not the suit.”
“What’s not the suit?” says Toby.
“My balls are hitting my thighs these days,” says David.
“Oh, tell me about it,” says Toby.
Both men laugh.
They clack out to the footpath in their riding shoes to where their bikes are secured to a bike rack.
“Now, what’s my combination,” Toby says out loud to no one in particular.
“Hang on,” says David. “I’ll need to have a piss before we go.”
“Oh yes, good idea,” says Toby. “I can’t do two teas like I once could.”
They both clack back across the footpath together and back inside the café.
The convivences are a modest affair out the back of the café, actually, in a separate building, even if it is adjacent to the main building.
Toby pushes the door open and it swings quickly to the wall with a crash. “Oops,” says Toby. “Got a mind of its fucken own.”
“Well, at least everyone knows where we are.”
“That is if the bike cleats haven’t given away our position already.”
“I do hope grandma isn’t taking her afternoon nap behind that wall.”
“Lazy bitch,” says Toby.
“I could possibly do with a nap myself.”
“I’m only jealous of the old girl, you know that don’t,” says Toby.
“This way me love,” says David. “We’re on a mission, after all.”
They clack through the doorway of the toilet. “Nothing a little fucken air freshener wouldn’t fix,” says Toby.
“The trough lollies aren’t really keeping up with the stale piss,” says David.
“You take the stalls and I’ll do standing room,” says Toby.
David clacks into the stalls but leaves the door open. Toby starts the tai chi moves to extract himself from his Lycra suit. “This ain’t fucken easy,” says Toby.
“Do you suspect the guy who invented these outfits never had to piss a day in his life?” says David.
“Do you think it was Kim Il Sung, the grandady dear leader of Joseon invented them?” says Toby.
“How so,” says David. Then he exclaims, “Oh dear god, I just pissed down my leg.”
“The North Koreans don’t believe their leaders piss, or shit, for that matter, like ordinary people” says Toby.
“What?”
“True? Too good for, or some shit.”
“Well, he’d be the obvious culprit for these bunny suits, then,” says David. “Just another reason to liberate the poor bastards.”
“Oh, ah! There you go, that feels good.”
“Tell me about it, better than sex," says David. "Oh, yes, lovely.”
“Ah!” says Toby. “How many times are you getting up in the night?”
“Oh, just the one, generally. You?”
“A couple,” says Toby. “Just a couple.”
“I hear it gets worse,” says David.
“Something to fucken look forward to, hey?"
Both men laugh.
“There you go, that’s a good job done,” says David.
“Oh yes, much relieved.”
There is the sound of a flush, then the sound of a second flus directly after it. The clacking of the bike shoes starts up again. The two men meet up again in front of the faded mirror over the dual wash basins.
“That’s seen better days,” says Toby. He turns the tap to 'on' and the water starts to flow.
David turns his tap to 'on' too. “I find it rather comforting,” says David. “I don’t need my,” he circles his face with his finger. “Visage bought into too sharper focus now adays.
They both reach for the soap dispensers attached to the wall. They each rub their hands together under the flowing water.
They both flick off their taps at the same time.
“Oh, er,” says Toby looking around.
“Yes, quite,” says David. “No…”
“Not ever a flannel.”
“Nothing.”
“Drip drying seems the order of the day.”
“Yes, quite.”
“Well, there you go.”
Their shoes once again clack on the hard floor. David grabs the door and holds it open for Toby. “Age before beauty.’
“Shit before the shovel,” says Toby.
“After you,” says David.
Toby clack, clack, clacks through the door first. David clack, clack, clacks through after him. They perform the same ritual at the café door.”
“After you says,” says Toby.
“Yes, okay, sure,” says David.
David clacks into the café.
“Haven’t you two left yet?” asks Melissa behind the hot food display.
“Just been to the little boy’s room,” says David.
“Spending a penny,” says Toby.
“What are you two like,” says Kelly?
“A couple of teas, like we had could be diabolical on the road, says David.
“How do your wives cope with you,” asks Melissa.
“What do you mean?” asks David.
“We’re always standing around waiting for them,” says Toby.
“You gals spend more time in the little gal's room than us blokes,” says David.
“That’s rich coming from you two when I was sure you left half an hour ago,” says Kelly.
“Any way, got to hit the road now,” says Toby.
“What are you blokes like,” says Melissa.
“We bid you lovely ladies adieu,” says David.
David reaches the front door of the café and swings it open. As he steps through, he says, “Cheerio.” As he exits outside.
“Thanks for the good food,” says Toby. He heads outside too.
The sun shone outside. The two men clack, clack, clack to their locked up bikes.
Toby reaches for his combination bike lock then stops and ponders. “What was my pin number again?”
“Do you call combination lock numbers PIN numbers?” questions David.
“No, I guess not,” says Toby. “But that’s not, actually, helping, now I am thinking of my banking number.”
“6125,” says David.
“Why, yes, I believe that is it.” Toby unclips his bike lock.
“I’ve been riding with you for 10 years.”
“Ten years, is it?
“That’s what I am saying.” David unlocks his bike lock.
“Hard to believe.” Toby secures his bike lock to his bike frame.
“Long enough for me to remember your combination lock number,” says David.
“Ten fucken years since my heart attack?”
“That’s when we started,” says David. “Straight after it?’ David secures his boke lock to his bike frame.
Toby stops and looks at his mate. “You’re a mate, David, you know that don’t you?”
“Yes, you silly old fuck, I know it.” David throws his leg over his bike.
“You silly old fuck?”
“You silly old fuck.”
“You are a right fucken cunt,’ says Toby. He throws his leg over his bike.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” David is sitting on his bike.
“No, you are a mate, David.” Toby is sitting on his bike.
“Oh stop.”
“You got me through all of that,” says Toby. “I’m never sure if I have told you enough.”
“You’ve told me.”
“Enough?”
“Yeah, you have.”
"Thanks."
It is a bright sunny day. The blue sky is one single blue tile over their heads.
“Well then. Let’s go,” says David. He peddles across the car park.
“Let’s go,” says Toby. He peddles after David.
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